February February February

All I can think about is February...If you have been reading my blog, you know that we will find out if the surgery worked in February. I am trying to enjoy this season, look at lights, play with my pups, spend quality time with my husband - but I am not really present in any of these things because in the back of my mind, there is always February. I had a dream last Sunday that the urologist emailed us our results which were negative. Ever since I woke up that morning, I can't shake this feeling that this didn't work. So Yeah for holidays. :) Maybe I can distract myself with thinking about our upcoming IKEA trip.

Biblical Promises

This week, as I grieve for a longtime friend who is dealing with a devastating loss, God has been speaking to me through scripture. Thought I just might share a couple of verses that have been helping me get through my journey...

Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.

You will keep in perfect peace, all whose thoughts are fixed on you! Trust in the Lord ALWAYS for the Lord God is the eternal rock. Isaiah 26:3-4

Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions NEVER fail. They are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion;therefore I will wait for him." Lam. 3:22-25

In the same way, the spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. Romans 8:26

We demolish arguments and every pretension that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Cor. 10:5


Thank you God for teaching me to listen instead of talking and seeking the answers that I so desperately want. I pray now for peace and assurance, and more of your encouraging words to come alive in my life and in the lives of others who need your renewal and hope. Thank you that no matter how desperate I am, your hope is always greater than my desperation. Thank you for bringing your precious people into my life with words of encouragement, and hugs and patience when there are no words. I praying unending blessings on their lives. Thank you for your grace...I love you.

Tonight

Don't you just LOVE being a girl...all full of hormones and craziness...I definitely do tonight. I hosted the appetizer portion of a progressive dinner. SO fun. Loved the company of the people who came...I sat and listened to lots of conversations...some interesting and funny...some that took me back to my teenage year...some that I wasn't able to participate in...now everyone is gone and I am left here...wishing I was able to talk about my morning sickness, my new baby purchases, my growing belly...Unfortunately that is just not happening this year....Chad reminded me the other day of this lady who came up to Chad's mom one day at bible study. She told her that God had given her a message that she would be a grandmother before the year is up...Well lady...thanks a lot. After remembering that, I played mind games with myself all night so much so that I convinced myself that maybe, just maybe I was pregnant...Maybe she was right and God was answering our prayers in the nick of time...I even took a pregnancy test which of course was negative...WOW...you are probably thinking that I am crazy about now...I think I am crazy...WHY did I do that? Why am I torturing myself? I have been dealing and working through this...Why can't I just accept this change of plans... I read a quote tonight "We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned...so as to accept the life that God has waiting for us"... Amazingly profound...Yet so so difficult.

The Holidays

And so it begins...The hustle and bustle...the crazy busy unending wonderfully fun holiday schedule. I tried to prepare myself. This is the time for families gathered round. Presents and celebrations. It is also the beginning of a long string of births from my friends....one this month..one in february...one in march...one in may...one in june...I am working on prepping myself. I, on one hand, am SO stinking excited to meet these little miracles I can hardly stand it. Believe me, ask my husband...our gift closet is FULL because I keep finding GREAT things that my friends just can't live without. On the other, this is part of the difficulty of infertility. I am the only one living my life- day in and day out. There will be no baby gifts at Christmas - No excitement of a new family member...There will probably be questions..."When are you going to start a family?" "Isn't it time for you to have a baby?"...However, God works miracles. So far, I am feeling mostly happiness and peace. I am focused on dwelling on the beauty of my current life, and the abundant blessing that he has poured out on me and my family. I am actually sitting here thinking how delightfully quiet our house is this evening. That is a HUGE FABULOUS step, and I am proud to be in this place- to finally accept and be so thankful and happy for the life I am living.

Peace...Could this be here to stay for a while?

So far I have had two VERY successful visits with my amazing infertility therapist. I am recognizing my grief over the fact that our life plan is being dramatically altered...but that is exactly what it is...OUR life plan. I KNOW that life has so much to bring - more than I could even begin to fathom. I am learning to accept that our idea of how life would unfold is not going to happen. AND this does NOT mean that life is going to be terrible or awful. It doesn't mean that I am going to lose my friendships with my MANY friends who are pregnant and/or have children. It doesn't mean that we won't enjoy the next moments, hours, days, months, and years of our life. It means that God has a bigger and better plan. Some days I can accept this, and find gratitude for what is to come. God is giving me Grace and perserverance. I am learning to know my triggers for the sadness that I have and will continue to feel - to say NO to living like I am about to get pregnant. Mostly I am learning how to be happy and CONTENT again. Thank you GOD.

SO here is my NEW plan. ENJOY MY LIFE. Live every moment to the fullest. Deal with our test results in February when they come. Know that if we have to do IVF or adopt, God will provide a way. Appreciate the AMAZING support of the people around me who still love me even though my emotions are going full force like an unstoppable roller coaster. Realize that "my plans" can not be controlled or forced in one direction or the other. Pray for peace and endurance and scripture and role models to continue to support us in this journey. Take one day at a time. EXERCISE and produce LOTS of happy endorphins. Smile and support others who are going through this journey. Listen to music as loud as possible. Write songs with my husband. Do things that I have ALWAYS wanted to do with my life.

This experience has changed me. I am learning to be grateful for what I have learned on this journey.

Healing...Ahhhh....

After such an intense couple of weeks, my first therapy visit was long overdue and intense. We talked about everything you can imagine - my family, my past, chad's family, our infertility journey etc... I imagined that I would walk in, sit on the couch, and blubber like a baby. I was worried she wouldn't be able to actually understand what I was saying, because I couldn't get it together. I was wrong. This initial answer to "tell me why you are here" was a little tough...a few tears were shed, but then we just dug down. She gave me SUCH great insight about why I feel the way I feel, about how normal my feelings were, and even how we were on a good path to healing. As we were finishing up, I made a statement that went something like this - " I just don't want to be selfish or my friends to think I am selfish because I can't go baby shopping with them or talk about baby..." She paused for a moment, and asked me where I learned this concept of "selfish". She also asked me to define "selfish"...She suggested that perhaps I need to rethink this idea of selfishness that I am so stuck on...I have thought about that SO much in the last two days. I think that in the past I viewed selfish as being not available at all times to anyone who needs or wants your time or attention- no matter the inconvenience. As much as I enjoy SO MUCH helping friends and strangers in need, I realize that I am not being selfish when I have boundaries. WOW...So selfish and boundaries are very skewed to me...I am gonna chew on this for a while and get back to you....Do you ever feel this way?

Figuring it out

I have to take a minute to really talk about my AMAZING support system. Let's start with last Sunday. My husband and I facilitate a small young marrieds group at our church. Last week's group consisted of two pregnant women (and their husbands) and a couple with two children (who were present at group) and a friend with a little boy who also came to group. Needless to say, being surrounded by SO much baby was a little bit (or a lot) of overload for me. I managed to make it through group, even got in the car with the intention of driving, however after about 2 miles, it all hit me and poor Chad had to drive the rest of the way home with his blubbering wife next to him. So let's suffice it to say that Sunday night was tough, and when I woke up Monday morning, I didn't feel any better. I also didn't really feel like I could talk to anyone (besides the husband) because I had vented to them so many times in the past. Seriously - how many times can you listen to someone moan and cry about how they can't get pregnant and everyone around them can? Then I got an incredible email from a distant friend that day (who has recently lost a dear beautiful child) about how they struggled to conceive. She even sent me a link to her birth story. What a reminder - Life could be SO much worse, but God has blessed me in SO many ways. This friend encouraged me SO much that I left work feeling like I might actually be able to make it through the week. The rest of the week was filled with emails, messages, and texts from friends that I don't normally talk to. They were all encouraging me. How did they know that I needed that SO much this week? I even got a very special message from my closest pregnant friend - she was so encouraging and sympathetic. It meant a lot that she realized the difficulty in all of this, and it still standing by without letting things get ackward or strained. What a WONDERFUL blessing! So I made it through this week. So thank you to all of our amazing support - our family who ALWAYS is willing to listen, our friends who are willing to be a little uncomfortable so that they can empathize with us, and to those who don't even know how much you are changing our journey.
As the months pass until we can test to see if the surgery worked, we are still trying. It is so emotionally devastating to deal with ovultion tests and negative pregnancy tests. The thing is - I realize that we will not be getting pregnant any time soon, but somewhere deep down every month, I still hang onto the hope that maybe it worked. The good thing is that I found a counselor that specializes in infertility so maybe I can figure out a way to cope with everything. A way that doesn't involve shopping, eating, OR drinking. I have an appoinment with her on Monday, so hopefully Monday afternoon I can begin to heal a little and figure out how to accept this life path that God has given us.

Today is a sad day.

It is one of those days where I woke up and baby was on my mind. I turned on the tv - A Baby Story. (Did I watch it? Of course, Why would I have the sense to change the channel? ) I got on facebook - and apparently it was on everybody else's mind too...I got updates on all of my prego friends, and even got an email from motherhood maternity. WONDERFUL. I went to lunch with my husband- babies everywhere...Then I went and tortured myself by looking in (you guessed it) Target's baby section. What in the world is wrong with me? I cried all the way to my hair appointment- got it together enough to go and get my hair cut - then cried all the way home. I love my pregnant friends SO much, and I would NEVER want them to feel like they can't talk to me about their pregnancy or what is coming up in their life - but it is REALLY difficult to watch their baby bump grow. I want a baby bump. I want to buy maternity and baby clothes. I want to go to lamaz classes. But instead, I get a once a month reminder of what I don't have. I get to watch the ones I love obtain all of these things, and try to maintain a reasonable emotional balance. Sometimes it just SUCKS. I REALLY am trying to fill my time with other things. It is just hard. Really hard. No one understands unless they have gone through this. Please don't give me the line- It will happen. YOU DON'T KNOW. IT HASN'T HAPPENED SO FAR. IT MIGHT NOT HAPPEN. This is a VERY sucky reality, but I HAVE to be able to handle it if it becomes our reality.

Post Surgery

So the deed is done. We were at the surgery center for most of Friday. When I went back to see him in post op, I (of course) almost passed out and the nurse had to bring ME orange juice. AWESOME...I am the best wife ever... After that, I pretty much got it together and got Chad ready to go home. With the help of his wonderful nurse, we got him in the car and started our journey home. Poor Chad didn't have such a great ride home - and it didn't help that we were stuck in traffic for most of the ride. As we drew nearer to our house, I was trying to think of the best plan to get him in the house. He was having a really hard time walking because of his incision. I had made up my mind to drive up on our front lawn - that way he would only have to get up three steps, but Chad had other plans. He said that he "didn't want tire marks in the yard"....so we went the normal way, and Chad made it up all six steps to the couch. Hooray!!! Once I got him on the couch, he passed out for a little while - which was convenient because I had to go and pick up his pain medicine - not to mention, get things that he may be able to eat. I didn't even THINK about the fact that he wouldn't be able to eat. I had a successful trip, and arrived at home loaded down with sprite, jello, bread, ginger ale, etc... It took a few hours for him to be able to eat or drink anything, but once the nausea went away - it was much better. One jello and a half of piece of bread later, he had a pain pill. The rest of the night was a blur....ice packs on and off every 20 minutes...pain pills every six hours...dogs out, fed, watered, given treats...P.S. I can't imagine having to do this with kiddos. WOw. How do people do it?
So we made it through out first night, second night, and we are having a much better day today. Chad has been able to walk to the bathroom by himself, eat, and even managed to take his bandage off and take a shower. He is amazing, and has kept such a great sense of humor the whole time. I am just SO thankful for such an amazing husband who is willing to endure all of this.
The doctor said that we should not even think about doing any testing (to see if this worked) until January. He said our chances that this will work are 50% - which are actually better odds than IVF, SO here we go again, waiting and waiting. In the meantime, we are going to try and enjoy our favorite season (Fall) together. My fall break is coming and I get to go and visit my family!!!!! HOOOOORAY!!!!!!!!!!!! Then we have a huge craft fair, so I have GOT to get busy making some jewelry and art. Then, we are expecting a big crew for Thanksgiving. In the meantime, we are finishing a garage renovation (to a bonus music room), and getting a bedroom ready in the case that this works and we need to start planning. So...there is my update...I feel good about where we are, and what is to come. The waiting is just the hardest part. :)

The What Ifs....

This month marks 3 years that we have actively been trying to get pregnant. How do I feel about that...Hmm...I think you know. Read a couple of posts...I am working on finding that bright sunny place again....

So with our upcoming surgery on Friday, all I have been able to focus on are the "what ifs"...I am trying to just let it be- have a positive outlook, and trust the God has a plan...BUT at the same time - we don't want to get our hopes up in the case that this is a total bust. In one minute, I feel SO EXCITED that Baby Chalos might actually be a possibility....In the next, I feel like I am in despair over the fact that it may not work. UGH. I miss my old self...The one where I was a rock emotionally. I would like to stop complaining. Sounds SO easy, right? NO...ITS NOT. Not when babies are in your every thought. So...Maybe on a happy note, I will show you some idea of what we would like to do for a baby's room...if this works.

So...We are in love with both of these crib sets...Here are our top two choices...

Litto Kids Silly Owl Bedding - Found at modernnursery.com

Here is another choice...

Macaroni Canary Crib Set from moddecor.com

So...The first option has really cute little owls in a pattern...SUPER modern...The second is just bright and cheery. This is what I spend my time on...when I am feeling positive...Trying to find a balance...We'll see how the goes.

P.S. Everytime I write, I feel like I am having personal verbal diarrhea...then I remember that this is my coping mechanism and it is all mine...and if it makes you sad or angry or you are tired of me complaining, then DON'T READ IT. We can still be friends. I will probably never even know. :)

Hopefully next time I write, it will be with good news.

Will it before you can FEEL it....

So after a pretty down week, I had a FABULOUS night at my girl's bible study tonight. I feel like I have lost a lot of hope in the past weeks - been overwhelmed by my loved ones and their baby blessings - and sat around feeling sorry for myself. In the chapter that we read tonight, Beth Moore talked about how we can't or don't just change how we feel about something. BUT we can change how we think about it. That is my personal mission for the next few months. She said you have to "will it, before you can feel it"....So here goes.... I am willing myself to have faith - to believe that their is a greater plan - to know that God has an amazing family in store for us. Chad has surgery next week. This could be a HUGE answer to all of our prayers. We are trying SO hard not to count on it, but hoping for the best results possible. Here is to hope, strong will, and perseverance - to seeing the bigger picture - to appreciating all of my blessings.

Finally....Some Happy News...

SO Chad and I recently took a much needed trip to our urologist- and got some REALLY great news!!! Chad was diagnosed with a condition called varicocele. This condition causes many problems for men- the most common is infertility. The wonderful news is that the Dr. can operate and resolve this issue. After this surgery, the doctor was pretty enthusiastic in telling us that we could get pregnant without ivf...WOW. We are so elated with the news, however we have gotten SO much bad news in the past 6 months. We don't want to get too excited in the case that this doesn't work. But deep down, I am praying/hoping/counting on this surgery. What a miracle it would be if we could get pregnant without the help of a fertility specialist! So another journey begins. Chad goes back on the 23rd to set a date for his surgery. We are praying for success with little to no pain. We are praying that Baby Betty or Baby Harrison will be on their way soon.

Where do we go from here....

I am writing this now with such a heavy heart. When will I feel normal again???? We have been feeling like maybe we need to explore our adoption options. I have spent COUNTLESS hours pouring over research and information from different agencies. I found out today that because of the anxiety meds that my hubby takes - we are ineligible for most international adoption. Seriously. So frustrating--- Then I think, well maybe this is God's way of telling us, we need to plan for IVF...So I do research on IVF with ICSI (which is what we would have to do because of our infertility issues) - The percentages are just not good. So what do we do? I try really hard not to be sad about what we are going through- but it is SO hard. Anytime I see a baby- talk about baby things- hang with my friends and their children- It is a constant reminder. I wish my yearn for a baby would just go away.

Just When I Think I have my emotions under control...

Tonight, during our Marraige on the Rock class, we were discussing money. This is CLEARLY an area in which we have lots of room for improvement. HOWEVER - We have worked really hard to get to where we are. All of that to say that my greatest fear in making a decisions about IVF or Adoption is that we won't be able to pay for it. IVF costs about 14000. There is no payment plan- you just write them a big fat check the day of the procedures. AND the chance that it will work is a whopping 45%. WOW. International Adoption (the only kind we will consider) is 30000. It can take up to 6 years at the most.
We have considered and prayed. The pros for IVF is that we can actually have a child that has our genetic structure. How amazing. The con is that, there is a 55% chance that it will NOT WORK. How very devastating. Pros for International adoption - We get to give a child a future that they would never be able to have without us. Cons- Let's be honest...The kid could be crazy, have some insane medical problems that weren't detected, AND IT COSTS 30000. How is the world would be pay for that? YET tonight I heard the most amazing story from a woman who is oblivious to my situation. She was unable to get pregnant and decided to pursue adoption. After exploring all of her options, she and her husband through much prayer, decided that they would adopt a little boy from Korea. At that time the cost was 20000. They had 200 in their savings. Over nine months, God miraculously provided 18700 to them. They said they had no idea how that happened. The week that they got their son, their finances somehow returned to normal. WOW. God provides. I know that he does.
Chad and I have prayed and prayed and prayed. I have felt little to no confirmation about one choice or the other. Chad has felt a heavy pull toward adoption. Now I just pray constantly for God to give me some answer....some feeling...so that I know that we are making choices that are in the center of his will. Was hearing this story a coincidence tonight? Or was it God speaking through one of his people to tell us that he will provide? How do I know?

wedding dress - $600, photographer-$2000, Wedding Cake- $800...My sister's perfect wedding - Priceless

So I just returned from an exhaustingly amazing trip to Georgia to help my sister get married. We worked as many hours as possible- sometimes putting in 19 hour days...It was SOOO worth it. Her wedding was a beautiful union of two people from VERY different backgrounds, joining together in innocence and love. I really enjoyed the rehearsal dinner- including the entertainment for the evening as well as the photo booth at the reception. The photographer had a white board on which you could write messages for the bride and groom- then take a picture. Let's just say that we may need a sensor on some of our pics. :) All of this to say, I love my sister SO much, and I am SO happy for her.
While I was down, I was able to meet with a couple of girls to begin to plan our 10 YEAR REUNION..... How is that even possible? I feel like I graduated high school, blinked, and ten years went by. I am, however, very excited to catch up with several long lost friends. I have been gone for 10 years, and have missed out on so much of their lives. Well...that is about it for now. I am off to see my amazing husband plan on his not so amazing softball team.

My Journey but Not my choice

Wow...I am finally composing my first blog. I am beginning this blog as a sort of therapy- I need an outlet for everything I am feeling on my infertility journey. Let me start at the beginning....A little over two years ago, my husband and I made the choice to begin trying to start a family. I went off of my birth control, and held my breath---of course, expecting that any month I would get pregnant. After several months of no results, I decided to start tracking my ovulation cycle. TMI ??? Well...this is not the blog for you. I can't tell you how many times I have peed on a stick in the last two years. It is exhausting, expensive, and frustrating. After a year and a half of nothing, we decided to see a fertility specialist. After our first horrific visit, we came to many realizations...1. This was going to be an insanely costly journey- as neither of our insurance companies planned to pay 1 penny. 2. This was going to be an emotionally exhausting journey that neither of us had planned for or expected. 3. This was NOT our plan for our life. What we did know was this- God had a plan and we would do our very best to be patient as he unveiled it.
We started seeing our specialist in January. Since then, I can't even tell you how many tests have been run, how much money has been spent, and how many tears I have cried. We tried and failed with IUI. Afterwards, we took more test to discover that this problem is something that is basically unfixable. Our choices are to try another IUI with a less than 10% chance of success, pay 14000 for IVF that has a 45% success rate, or consider adoption. I keep thinking...Why us? We are good people. We love the Lord. We try to live by the golden rule. I don't want to have a pity party for myself, but it is so hard to accept such devastating news. Can you imagine abandoning the idea that you will never have a child that looks like you...has your eyes...your husbands smile...OR that you may never hold your baby in your arms?
I am trying to believe that God has something SO much bigger in store. I pray for faith. I try not to talk about it too much around my friends because I don't want them to feel uncomfortable- or annoyed that it is all I talk about. BUT it is what I think about. It consumes me. I am praying for freedom. I am praying for answers. I am thanking God for an amazing husband who lays in bed and holds me when I feel sad. I am hoping that writing about our journey will help me deal with this extraordinary range of feelings that I am experiencing. Thanks for being a part of what I hope will be a healing process.