Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Healing...Ahhhh....
After such an intense couple of weeks, my first therapy visit was long overdue and intense. We talked about everything you can imagine - my family, my past, chad's family, our infertility journey etc... I imagined that I would walk in, sit on the couch, and blubber like a baby. I was worried she wouldn't be able to actually understand what I was saying, because I couldn't get it together. I was wrong. This initial answer to "tell me why you are here" was a little tough...a few tears were shed, but then we just dug down. She gave me SUCH great insight about why I feel the way I feel, about how normal my feelings were, and even how we were on a good path to healing. As we were finishing up, I made a statement that went something like this - " I just don't want to be selfish or my friends to think I am selfish because I can't go baby shopping with them or talk about baby..." She paused for a moment, and asked me where I learned this concept of "selfish". She also asked me to define "selfish"...She suggested that perhaps I need to rethink this idea of selfishness that I am so stuck on...I have thought about that SO much in the last two days. I think that in the past I viewed selfish as being not available at all times to anyone who needs or wants your time or attention- no matter the inconvenience. As much as I enjoy SO MUCH helping friends and strangers in need, I realize that I am not being selfish when I have boundaries. WOW...So selfish and boundaries are very skewed to me...I am gonna chew on this for a while and get back to you....Do you ever feel this way?
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I saw your question on FB about this, but decided to post here b/c you didn't need an expose on your wall :) I don't think taking care of yourself (mentally, phsyically, financially, etc) should ever be construed as selfishness. Selfishness comes into play when a person sees life as a zero-sum game where you must win and get your way, consequences be damned. If the people in your example, react poorly and with agitation at your decision to go to one less baby shower (or whatever baby outing it is), their reaction is selfish. I believe you can give of yourself without giving up yourself. Anyone asking for that, asking you to routinely sacrifice your sanity on their behalf is selfish. And I'm probably not the best person to talk about it; but, I completely understand the boundary analogy...but sometimes "no" is liberating. I'm learning surely, but slowly. And also, I think it has a lot to do with woman just not wanting to be impolite.
ReplyDeletep.s. I am a fan of therapy; if I could go for free, I would once a week. I love the idea of speaking without judgment. So proud of you for taking the step.
Love ya,
Donyale