Saturday, December 4, 2010
Tonight
Don't you just LOVE being a girl...all full of hormones and craziness...I definitely do tonight. I hosted the appetizer portion of a progressive dinner. SO fun. Loved the company of the people who came...I sat and listened to lots of conversations...some interesting and funny...some that took me back to my teenage year...some that I wasn't able to participate in...now everyone is gone and I am left here...wishing I was able to talk about my morning sickness, my new baby purchases, my growing belly...Unfortunately that is just not happening this year....Chad reminded me the other day of this lady who came up to Chad's mom one day at bible study. She told her that God had given her a message that she would be a grandmother before the year is up...Well lady...thanks a lot. After remembering that, I played mind games with myself all night so much so that I convinced myself that maybe, just maybe I was pregnant...Maybe she was right and God was answering our prayers in the nick of time...I even took a pregnancy test which of course was negative...WOW...you are probably thinking that I am crazy about now...I think I am crazy...WHY did I do that? Why am I torturing myself? I have been dealing and working through this...Why can't I just accept this change of plans... I read a quote tonight "We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned...so as to accept the life that God has waiting for us"... Amazingly profound...Yet so so difficult.
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Don't think you are crazy at all!! I don't think that you can change your desires and plans with a snap of the fingers. It is like your desires and plans are a huge ocean liner. An Ocean Liner can't just decide to turn at the press of a button, it has to pull the right levers, and make a slow and calculated turn. Then it can go in a different direction. Your emotions and brain are that way as well. It will take time to turn the plans that you had made a different way. There will be waves and tears will be shed. And you have a right to those feelings- they are valid because they are yours.
ReplyDeleteI had a friend that had the same struggle. She shut out all of us, and they moved away from friends to start "fresh". We all hurt for her and wanted to help walk her through this time, but she didn't want "reminders". As much as I cry and ache for you, I am thankful that you are allowing friends and family to be with you, even if it is sometimes sad and painful. I love you and pray daily for you and Chad.
Gosh, Kristle, I remember feeling these same feelings and writing these same words not so long ago. Holidays are tough. Especially Christmas morning, watching other little ones opening presents. You have such an incredible attitude. God knows the desire of your (our) hearts, and I have to believe that he grants us the strength to get through these times. I love you!
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