My Journey but Not my choice

Wow...I am finally composing my first blog. I am beginning this blog as a sort of therapy- I need an outlet for everything I am feeling on my infertility journey. Let me start at the beginning....A little over two years ago, my husband and I made the choice to begin trying to start a family. I went off of my birth control, and held my breath---of course, expecting that any month I would get pregnant. After several months of no results, I decided to start tracking my ovulation cycle. TMI ??? Well...this is not the blog for you. I can't tell you how many times I have peed on a stick in the last two years. It is exhausting, expensive, and frustrating. After a year and a half of nothing, we decided to see a fertility specialist. After our first horrific visit, we came to many realizations...1. This was going to be an insanely costly journey- as neither of our insurance companies planned to pay 1 penny. 2. This was going to be an emotionally exhausting journey that neither of us had planned for or expected. 3. This was NOT our plan for our life. What we did know was this- God had a plan and we would do our very best to be patient as he unveiled it.
We started seeing our specialist in January. Since then, I can't even tell you how many tests have been run, how much money has been spent, and how many tears I have cried. We tried and failed with IUI. Afterwards, we took more test to discover that this problem is something that is basically unfixable. Our choices are to try another IUI with a less than 10% chance of success, pay 14000 for IVF that has a 45% success rate, or consider adoption. I keep thinking...Why us? We are good people. We love the Lord. We try to live by the golden rule. I don't want to have a pity party for myself, but it is so hard to accept such devastating news. Can you imagine abandoning the idea that you will never have a child that looks like you...has your eyes...your husbands smile...OR that you may never hold your baby in your arms?
I am trying to believe that God has something SO much bigger in store. I pray for faith. I try not to talk about it too much around my friends because I don't want them to feel uncomfortable- or annoyed that it is all I talk about. BUT it is what I think about. It consumes me. I am praying for freedom. I am praying for answers. I am thanking God for an amazing husband who lays in bed and holds me when I feel sad. I am hoping that writing about our journey will help me deal with this extraordinary range of feelings that I am experiencing. Thanks for being a part of what I hope will be a healing process.