Goodbye for now

So it has been a while since I last wrote on this blog - As I read back over some of my past blogs, I am seeing how miraculously my life has changed.  God is really cool.  Once we met with the adoption agency, the doors opened and we flew through.  We ended up meeting with several agencies. It was a very cool beginning to a beautiful journey.  I am sure you have guessed or know by now that we are on our journey to meeting our baby through the means of adoption.  Did I say God is cool yet?  Well, he is.  He is just showing us his providence and grace everyday - every step of the way.  So we started a new blog called thechalosadoption.blogpot.com.  We are chronicling this process.  We can't wait to show baby chalos what an amazing journey we went on to meet him/her.  So for now I am saying goodbye.  This blog is been my lifeline for so long.  Writing was my therapy.  It helped me work through the various emotions that infertility brings.  It helped me to put it out there - so others could see and understand the REAL PAIN that comes with infertility.  Since I started this blog, I can't even count how many women I have come in contact with that have dealt with IF in some way.  So thank you for listening.  Thank you for your comments.  Thank you for going on this healing journey with me.  Now I am starting a new journey.  God opened a door and has answered just SO many prayers already.  It is just neat to be on a path that we know God laid just for us.  Life is like that.  Just one long road and God has some pretty cool twists and turns along the way.  We may even veer off to some lonesome valley or try to climb a crazy mountain - but he is ALWAYS THERE. ALWAYS.  Even when I felt like he wasn't - or didn't care - He was there. 
So that is that.  I am going to print this blog into a book for my kiddos so that if someday they go through a journey like this, they can see that God provides.  ABUNDANTLY.
Thank you again for your support.  I hope you will follow our adoption journey.  Who knows where it will take us? :)

Adopted...for life...

So tomorrow at 4 pm, Jack Taylor and I will be going to meet with an adoption agency. Wow. It seems weird and real and exciting and scary and every other emotion you can even begin to think of...After having some reflection time from our latest doctors visit, we spent more hours in prayer and talking about what we feel God is leading us to.  Now I have said all along that Jack feels a strong pull toward adoption.  I have been the one dragging my feet - searching for any other way to make this happen for us - seeking, praying, begging God to just give me some audible assurance about our path.  I have come to learn some valuable lessons in the past 3 and a half years - but one in particular - God has given us the amazing gift of the holy spirit.  Sometimes we "feel" him  -  but not always.  He is evident in so many other avenues that are easy to miss.  As I have done my devotions in the past weeks and spoken to friends, and read books - one scripture seems to be recurring...

Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you. James 1:27-

 so tomorrow we are taking a step - still unsure of what God has ahead.  It is VERY possible to go tomorrow and have a definite resounding NO as an answer - or it is equally as possible that we may go and begin the journey to meet the blessing that God has created just for us.  So what I am asking for is your prayers tonight and tomorrow.  Pray that God will give us clarity and assurance and peace in all of this.  Pray that if this journey is his will, then he will provide abundantly along the way.  Pray that we could be used by him in some way in all of this.  Pray for the orphans who don't have a Mom or Dad to tuck them in at night - who rock themselves to sleep with no one around to cuddle them and tell them that Jesus loves them.  And always ALWAYS remember how very blessed we are to have been adopted for life -

But when the fullness of the time had come, God sent forth His Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, that we might receive the adoption as sons. Galatians 4:4-6

Finding Restoration...Today Anyway...

I am on spring break this week - FABULOUS. I love sleeping in - having time to clean - having time to catch up on my dvr'd shows -  Here is the whole truth - While all of my co-workers and student's families have these memorable vacations or even just time together - hanging out and watching tv- I am here. alone. visiting my friends who just had beautiful babies. then returning home. to be alone. again. I am NOT writing this to envoke your feelings of sadness and pity. I am writing because I want you to understand how this feels.  How infertility feels.  I spent the last two hours reading a book about adoption - playing every possible scenario of domestic and international adoption - of how I will ward off people's prejudice if we adopt a child of a different race.  I spent the last few days trying to find some certainty.  I spent Friday evening looking in the newborn window on the labor and delivery floor - trying to figure out how I will make it if I never get to look through that window at MY beautiful bundle of joy. Alas - this is the journey of infertility.  I am one of the lucky ones.  I have an amazing group of supportive friends and family.  I go to a girl's bible study each Tuesday - I am inspired by Beth Moore's words of encouragement- I am on a journey to find joy, peace, restoration... Here is an amazing video I found my infertility blog. A little sad - but that is the reality of infertility...
What IF from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

Is this what it feels like to be led?????

Okay friends so we had a...DAY...today - if you know what I mean. We were really lucky to find a new RE that a friend recommended. From the first phone interaction with this medical practice, I knew that this was going to be a much better experience - Kind, caring, sympathetic, funny staff who are there to help you make a baby. Jack Taylor and I had quite the lengthy discussion (three hours to be exact) last night about the possibile outcomes of our impending visit. As it turns out, Jack Taylor has been feeling a strong call to pursue international adoption. He told me about several examples when he just was overwhelmed with these thoughts. We talked about how so many children around the world don't have clean water, food, medical care, etc...We dreamed about how we could change that for one or more children - and what God could turn that into - maybe clean water for a village - maybe a better school system for a village - Only God knows...We also talked about how we both felt that we needed to be 100% on the same page before any decision is made. I still have reservations about our journey. I still want to be pregnant and carry a child. I still don't feel full release that we should definitely pursue that. So in essence we tried to think of all possible scenarios that could happen during the visit.
1. The doctor and staff would be awful. We would hate it there. In this case, we decided that we would call an adoption representative as our next step.
2. We would like the doctor. We would love the staff. He would recommend IVF with icsi. We would then go home save as much money as possible in the upcoming months and continue to pray about what we should do.
3. We would LOVE the clinic. Everything would be perfect. He would recommend that we could simply do iui and be done with it. We would do cartwheels, buy dinner for all of our friends and family, and have a dance party.

We did not see this coming.

He did a quick exam and we went to his office where he examined our medical history. He pointed out time and time again where our previous RE had requested testing that was invalid and antiquated. We spent ALL of our extra money last year - including any savings we had - to have these tests run. He compared our IUI to throwing spaghetti on a wall - just guessing at the problem. He concluded that the doctor never really ruled out that I did/didn't have any issues- and that most of Chad's tests were invalid because of the "norms" that they used (norms not comparable to the NIH)...So here we are back at square one. Our prayer last night (and every day, hour, minute second) was that the Holy Spirit would fill us with the power of discernment and grace and wisdom to see him in all of this. Man, How I wish there were a vision manual for that!? Was this the slap in the face from God that I prayed for? Or is this another medical experience much like a diabetic or cancer patient would have? How in the world do we know where to go from here? Should we start this process ALL OVER AGAIN? Can you tell we are a little more than confused? Here is the good news in all of this. My God is still in charge. He makes miracles happen and I KNOW that he wants me to be a Mommy someday. I am just praying for assurance from him and leading in the right directions. I am praying that he would still the heart of my amazing husband and relieve him of some of his in guilt. I am thanking him for our blessing that he has poured out on us. So...That is that. Now you are all caught up. If God happens to dial your number tonight to give you some instructions for us, please PLEASE don't hesistate to let us know.
Love,
The Taylors

Short and Sweet

I am so very thankful for the amazing "family" that we have in our small group. Thank you Jesus for your provision of friends who can pray you through what you can't speak.

Answers. Finally.

It has been an unbelievable battle to get some results out of these people. SO my extremely persistent husband called every hour on the hour to our urologist office until they finally faxed us the results. We have YET to speak with a doctor, but we did have our last results so we compared. What we were hoping and praying to see an increase in normal shape and motility...Unfortunately based on the results, there has been no change in motility, and very little change in the shape. We are hoping that the very small increase in shape means something...Basically we will most likely (short of a miracle) be unable to conceive naturally. So - not what we had hoped to hear. So now we pray for peace and perseverance to help us get through this time. We have basically drained all of our resources in the last year - so we will be spending the next year on a tight budget and eating a lot of raman. :) I am praying for a positive attitude and endurance. It is SO easy to get angry, frustrated, and bitter about this journey - watching how easy it is for so many people to conceive - and to realize how much money we will be spending on a chance to conceive. Most couples could put that money toward a college fund, bigger house, or savings account for their child but not us. What we are praying for in the next year - is an amazing chance to grow our marriage into a pillar of strength - more than it has already...
I heard a song the day we got our results - by a couple of our friends -Jeremy and Jennifer... (They are in a little band that you may have heard of called FFH)...Here are the lyrics...

"So this is what it feels like to walk the wilderness
This is what it feels like to come undone
This is what it feels like to lose my confidence
Unsure of anything and anyone

So this is what it feels like to walk the desert sand
This is what it feels like to hear my name
To be scared to death 'cause I am all alone
But feel love and peace just the same

This may not be the road I would choose for me
But it still feels right somehow
'Cause I have never felt You as close to me
As I do right now
This is what it feels like to be led"

This is my song for now - my prayer. Thank you for all of your prayers and support. We couldn't do this without the amazing friends and family that we have.

Quick Update

So just a quick update - San Diego was AMAZING-BEAUTIFUL-RELAXING-and PERFECT!! I had lots and lots of alone time to think through everything that we have been going through - but there were also SO many things to do so that I could be busy if I wanted to. I did all touristy things possible - zoo, trolley tour, Old Town(original SanDiego), Coronado Island, etc... I was also SO very lucky to spend the evenings with my hubby and enjoy the sights that I found during the day. Everyone walks everywhere, is laid back, and there is a healthy eating option in EVERY restaurant. I loved all of those things. Only downfall - My allergies kicked in about two days into being there, so I was taking benadryl every night and passed out. I am still trying to get well.

As has been the pattern in the past, we are STILL waiting to hear from our clinic. My hubs had a very frustrating experience when he went on my birthday. They insisted on calling my gyno with the results. Just fyi, my gyno has NO idea what or where we are in this process. The only thing that she knows is that she referred us ONE YEAR ago. I called to chat about the reasoning behind this - and our clinic said that she was the one who requested this - which is a TOTAL fabrication. Our RE and urologist both requested this SA. Also, they said that we were new patients of our RE's. I informed them that we have been seeing our RE for over a Year - and have spent LOTS of time and money at the clinic. They didn't even remember Chad's name from when he came to the clinic THIRTY MINUTES earlier. Needless to say - I am so frustrated. This is not the first time we have had a negative experience with Nashville Fertility Clinic. All of that to say - We will be switching specialists once we get the results. I will update once we have gotten results and have made some decisions. Either way- Thank you SO much for your encouragement and positive comments. We are going to make it through this year just like we have the last three years - hoping we can make it through with more assurance, a greater faith, and an unending peace.

Tomorrow is just another day....except...

For one - it is my birthday!! :) Hooray...although in typical fashion, birthdays get a little less exciting as you get older. Especially when your husband is going in for testing that determines the way that you will have a family. Thank goodness for my amazing, smart, funny, caring Kindergarten friends. They already made my birthday so special. I told them a long time ago that February was a GREAT month because my birthday started the month. Today, one of my students remembered that. Wow. And just in case they didn't know, my sneaky coworker came and announced it to them while I was on a potty break. Of course, Five and Six year olds are ready to celebrate - announcing that they would bring a cake and some candles and some presents...SO SWEET. I told them that they only present I would need is a hug from each of them. Immediately I was bombarded with hugs. :) Best.Job.Ever.
So I am counting my blessings that my five year olds can distract me from what could be a tough day. The innocence of a child is a BEAUTIFUL thing, and even if we can't make our own - God has blessed me with the gift of 20 sweet students this year and all of the students before. I hope I can share that enthusiasm and distraction with "Jack" as the day goes by.

Dreams...Nightmares...A sign?

SO as it gets closer to THE DAY for us, I am working very hard to be a peace. I took Erin's advice and am in the middle of creating a prayer/love room. It is the perfect place to go and shut out the world and just "have a little talk with Jesus" - as Cleavent Derricks would say. What a fabulous idea! During the daytime, I feel pleasantly at peace with whatever the results of this should be. Nighttime brings with it all of my unsettled doubts and fears. As soon as I close my eyes, I am filled with all of the "What Ifs?"- What if it is negative, we go through with ivf and it doesn't work - what if IVF isn't God's plan, and we are playing our own God - what if we adopt and the child decides to leave us for his/her biological parents when they are older?...etc, etc, etc...Not only am I filled with what ifs, but when I finally pray through those thoughts and block them out and drift to sleep - my dreams are filled with scenarios of what could happen...By the time I waken, I feel so tired from struggling through each dream.
I have learned that my happiness in the light is much greater when I avoid emmersing myself in everything baby. Lately that has been a difficult task because two of my dear friends are about to have their babies. I am so excited for them and it is easy to get caught up in their happiness. I even looked on craigslist at baby stuff...It is so hard to restrain myself from feeling that excitement. I remember when we were first trying and I just felt SO sure that we were going to get pregnant. I went and bought a couple of baby items. After three years and certainty that we will not be walking the easy road that many couples do, I have tried really hard to avoid getting caught up in the baby craze...So maybe I have been pretending for a little while that we could be any of the other couples that are pregnant, when in all reality, we may never be. I HAVE to keep reminding myself of this. It keeps me grounded and actually more happy. ALL of that to say, perhaps in allowing myself to get caught up in all of it, I am responsible for those crazy dreams at night. So how in the world to I stop?

In transition

So many thanks for your comments ladies. I was inspired by Erin's idea to make our love/prayer room. I love the idea of having a special place to go when I feel down or in despair. I love the idea of long talks with God in the rocker that will eventually be used for loving and rocking baby Chalos. A room filled with all the things we love - What an amazing place for restoration and hope. So on that note (and with my love for all things renovation), I set about to create our room of renewal. Chad has needed some extra space so we decided to move in some 3 x 3 cubes that we purchased quite some time ago. We are removing a desk that used to live in the room. It is making its way to Indiana in about two weeks. So basically starting with a blank slate (cubes are white). I was given a 6 x 6 print from a friend that I am in love with. So it is my inspiriation for color. We are going to paint the room "wet pavement."

The room

You may not know but in almost every infertile person's life, they have a room...THE ROOM...the room that in the beginning, they made a plan for...planned for baby furniture...planned a theme...planned a space for a rocking chair...the baby's room. It is so easy to get carried away in the beginning. This room is cause for much happiness and excitement in the beginning. You can spend hours and hours on the internet finding ideas and plans for this room. But after three months go by...then six months...then 1 year, 2 years, 3 years plus - THE ROOM is cause for heartache and sadness. We have a design plan that I printed and hung in THE ROOM when we first started trying. The paper is a little crumpled and yellow now. It has been hanging on the wall for 3 years plus some. So today, as I am sitting here and thinking about what this year might hold, I am considering letting go of the room. Maybe THE ROOM should become a craft room, a sewing room, a music room...I wish I could describe the depths of my sorrow when I think about actually making this room usable space for us. Part of me - the hopeful and postive part - wants to wait just a little longer...because what if we need the room soon?...The other part of me - the realist - thinks that maybe, just maybe giving this room a definition could be a positive thing. We wouldn't walk by the room and think of what it could be. We could enjoy it for what it is. Who knew that one room in your house could be the root of so many emotions?

INSOMNIA...

We have had the fabulous luck of snow days this week, and I am grateful...for more reasons than one. I have had insomnia for 3 days now. I CAN'T STOP thinking and worrying about everything that is happening in our lives. Jack Taylor has decided to go back to school - which is AMAZING and WONDERFUL. Jack Taylor's parent's (my wonderful inlaws) have decided to move five hours away from us. February is the month that we get news that could make some decisions that would change the rest of our lives. There is a new idea on the table - one that is NOT my first choice, but may be the right choice - but it is to postpone ivf for a year to let JT get through school, and to save more money. I can't IMAGINE waiting another year. I can't imagine trying to cope with all of infertility's challenges for another year. I can't imagine waiting to do ivf, then experiencing a failed ivf. I wish that we could just be one of those couples that starts to worry when they conceive NOT worry about conceiving. There is so much on my mind. Maybe I will have a murder she wrote marathon to help me relax. Hope you like my blog reno.

Oh...the possibilities...What are your thoughts?

So whether you agree or not, I have decided to assume that our surgery is a big fat failure. It is SO much easier this way. Now I can work through that will happen next. Jack Taylor and I had a long wonderful talk tonight. What if it didn't work? Well...we will definitely be going through with IVF. wow. that is scary and exciting and scary all over again. We would REALLY like to go through with it in June for many reasons....1. June gives me time to deal with the rough reality of IVF. 2. If IVF were to work, I could spend my first trimester puking into my own toilet versus the toilet at Elzie Patton Elementary. 3. If ivf were to work, I would be due in March and I would get extra time at home. I could have FIVE MONTHS to stay at home and decide if that is what I want to do with the next few years of my life. So there is the plan...but how do we get there. We have worked SO hard to pay down our debt, and we are putting that on hold to save for ivf. We could definitely have almost enough by June...Here is the dilemma...I am a COMPLETELY independent person. I always have been. I have NEVER asked my parents for one penny since the day I moved out. Jack Taylor has never asked his parents for anything since we moved out. If our parents would help us just a little, we would be able to meet our goal. I am just not sure how I feel about our parents helping us pay for the conception of our child or children. I don't know...why is this journey so hard and complicated? What do we do? Should we wait a couple more months to save that money? If we did, I would be giving up extra time at home to decide if I was going to be a stay at home Mom. What if it works and we have twins? I would DEFINITELY want extra time....What are your thoughts?