Biblical Promises

This week, as I grieve for a longtime friend who is dealing with a devastating loss, God has been speaking to me through scripture. Thought I just might share a couple of verses that have been helping me get through my journey...

Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.

You will keep in perfect peace, all whose thoughts are fixed on you! Trust in the Lord ALWAYS for the Lord God is the eternal rock. Isaiah 26:3-4

Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions NEVER fail. They are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion;therefore I will wait for him." Lam. 3:22-25

In the same way, the spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. Romans 8:26

We demolish arguments and every pretension that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Cor. 10:5


Thank you God for teaching me to listen instead of talking and seeking the answers that I so desperately want. I pray now for peace and assurance, and more of your encouraging words to come alive in my life and in the lives of others who need your renewal and hope. Thank you that no matter how desperate I am, your hope is always greater than my desperation. Thank you for bringing your precious people into my life with words of encouragement, and hugs and patience when there are no words. I praying unending blessings on their lives. Thank you for your grace...I love you.

Tonight

Don't you just LOVE being a girl...all full of hormones and craziness...I definitely do tonight. I hosted the appetizer portion of a progressive dinner. SO fun. Loved the company of the people who came...I sat and listened to lots of conversations...some interesting and funny...some that took me back to my teenage year...some that I wasn't able to participate in...now everyone is gone and I am left here...wishing I was able to talk about my morning sickness, my new baby purchases, my growing belly...Unfortunately that is just not happening this year....Chad reminded me the other day of this lady who came up to Chad's mom one day at bible study. She told her that God had given her a message that she would be a grandmother before the year is up...Well lady...thanks a lot. After remembering that, I played mind games with myself all night so much so that I convinced myself that maybe, just maybe I was pregnant...Maybe she was right and God was answering our prayers in the nick of time...I even took a pregnancy test which of course was negative...WOW...you are probably thinking that I am crazy about now...I think I am crazy...WHY did I do that? Why am I torturing myself? I have been dealing and working through this...Why can't I just accept this change of plans... I read a quote tonight "We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned...so as to accept the life that God has waiting for us"... Amazingly profound...Yet so so difficult.

The Holidays

And so it begins...The hustle and bustle...the crazy busy unending wonderfully fun holiday schedule. I tried to prepare myself. This is the time for families gathered round. Presents and celebrations. It is also the beginning of a long string of births from my friends....one this month..one in february...one in march...one in may...one in june...I am working on prepping myself. I, on one hand, am SO stinking excited to meet these little miracles I can hardly stand it. Believe me, ask my husband...our gift closet is FULL because I keep finding GREAT things that my friends just can't live without. On the other, this is part of the difficulty of infertility. I am the only one living my life- day in and day out. There will be no baby gifts at Christmas - No excitement of a new family member...There will probably be questions..."When are you going to start a family?" "Isn't it time for you to have a baby?"...However, God works miracles. So far, I am feeling mostly happiness and peace. I am focused on dwelling on the beauty of my current life, and the abundant blessing that he has poured out on me and my family. I am actually sitting here thinking how delightfully quiet our house is this evening. That is a HUGE FABULOUS step, and I am proud to be in this place- to finally accept and be so thankful and happy for the life I am living.

Peace...Could this be here to stay for a while?

So far I have had two VERY successful visits with my amazing infertility therapist. I am recognizing my grief over the fact that our life plan is being dramatically altered...but that is exactly what it is...OUR life plan. I KNOW that life has so much to bring - more than I could even begin to fathom. I am learning to accept that our idea of how life would unfold is not going to happen. AND this does NOT mean that life is going to be terrible or awful. It doesn't mean that I am going to lose my friendships with my MANY friends who are pregnant and/or have children. It doesn't mean that we won't enjoy the next moments, hours, days, months, and years of our life. It means that God has a bigger and better plan. Some days I can accept this, and find gratitude for what is to come. God is giving me Grace and perserverance. I am learning to know my triggers for the sadness that I have and will continue to feel - to say NO to living like I am about to get pregnant. Mostly I am learning how to be happy and CONTENT again. Thank you GOD.

SO here is my NEW plan. ENJOY MY LIFE. Live every moment to the fullest. Deal with our test results in February when they come. Know that if we have to do IVF or adopt, God will provide a way. Appreciate the AMAZING support of the people around me who still love me even though my emotions are going full force like an unstoppable roller coaster. Realize that "my plans" can not be controlled or forced in one direction or the other. Pray for peace and endurance and scripture and role models to continue to support us in this journey. Take one day at a time. EXERCISE and produce LOTS of happy endorphins. Smile and support others who are going through this journey. Listen to music as loud as possible. Write songs with my husband. Do things that I have ALWAYS wanted to do with my life.

This experience has changed me. I am learning to be grateful for what I have learned on this journey.

Healing...Ahhhh....

After such an intense couple of weeks, my first therapy visit was long overdue and intense. We talked about everything you can imagine - my family, my past, chad's family, our infertility journey etc... I imagined that I would walk in, sit on the couch, and blubber like a baby. I was worried she wouldn't be able to actually understand what I was saying, because I couldn't get it together. I was wrong. This initial answer to "tell me why you are here" was a little tough...a few tears were shed, but then we just dug down. She gave me SUCH great insight about why I feel the way I feel, about how normal my feelings were, and even how we were on a good path to healing. As we were finishing up, I made a statement that went something like this - " I just don't want to be selfish or my friends to think I am selfish because I can't go baby shopping with them or talk about baby..." She paused for a moment, and asked me where I learned this concept of "selfish". She also asked me to define "selfish"...She suggested that perhaps I need to rethink this idea of selfishness that I am so stuck on...I have thought about that SO much in the last two days. I think that in the past I viewed selfish as being not available at all times to anyone who needs or wants your time or attention- no matter the inconvenience. As much as I enjoy SO MUCH helping friends and strangers in need, I realize that I am not being selfish when I have boundaries. WOW...So selfish and boundaries are very skewed to me...I am gonna chew on this for a while and get back to you....Do you ever feel this way?

Figuring it out

I have to take a minute to really talk about my AMAZING support system. Let's start with last Sunday. My husband and I facilitate a small young marrieds group at our church. Last week's group consisted of two pregnant women (and their husbands) and a couple with two children (who were present at group) and a friend with a little boy who also came to group. Needless to say, being surrounded by SO much baby was a little bit (or a lot) of overload for me. I managed to make it through group, even got in the car with the intention of driving, however after about 2 miles, it all hit me and poor Chad had to drive the rest of the way home with his blubbering wife next to him. So let's suffice it to say that Sunday night was tough, and when I woke up Monday morning, I didn't feel any better. I also didn't really feel like I could talk to anyone (besides the husband) because I had vented to them so many times in the past. Seriously - how many times can you listen to someone moan and cry about how they can't get pregnant and everyone around them can? Then I got an incredible email from a distant friend that day (who has recently lost a dear beautiful child) about how they struggled to conceive. She even sent me a link to her birth story. What a reminder - Life could be SO much worse, but God has blessed me in SO many ways. This friend encouraged me SO much that I left work feeling like I might actually be able to make it through the week. The rest of the week was filled with emails, messages, and texts from friends that I don't normally talk to. They were all encouraging me. How did they know that I needed that SO much this week? I even got a very special message from my closest pregnant friend - she was so encouraging and sympathetic. It meant a lot that she realized the difficulty in all of this, and it still standing by without letting things get ackward or strained. What a WONDERFUL blessing! So I made it through this week. So thank you to all of our amazing support - our family who ALWAYS is willing to listen, our friends who are willing to be a little uncomfortable so that they can empathize with us, and to those who don't even know how much you are changing our journey.
As the months pass until we can test to see if the surgery worked, we are still trying. It is so emotionally devastating to deal with ovultion tests and negative pregnancy tests. The thing is - I realize that we will not be getting pregnant any time soon, but somewhere deep down every month, I still hang onto the hope that maybe it worked. The good thing is that I found a counselor that specializes in infertility so maybe I can figure out a way to cope with everything. A way that doesn't involve shopping, eating, OR drinking. I have an appoinment with her on Monday, so hopefully Monday afternoon I can begin to heal a little and figure out how to accept this life path that God has given us.

Today is a sad day.

It is one of those days where I woke up and baby was on my mind. I turned on the tv - A Baby Story. (Did I watch it? Of course, Why would I have the sense to change the channel? ) I got on facebook - and apparently it was on everybody else's mind too...I got updates on all of my prego friends, and even got an email from motherhood maternity. WONDERFUL. I went to lunch with my husband- babies everywhere...Then I went and tortured myself by looking in (you guessed it) Target's baby section. What in the world is wrong with me? I cried all the way to my hair appointment- got it together enough to go and get my hair cut - then cried all the way home. I love my pregnant friends SO much, and I would NEVER want them to feel like they can't talk to me about their pregnancy or what is coming up in their life - but it is REALLY difficult to watch their baby bump grow. I want a baby bump. I want to buy maternity and baby clothes. I want to go to lamaz classes. But instead, I get a once a month reminder of what I don't have. I get to watch the ones I love obtain all of these things, and try to maintain a reasonable emotional balance. Sometimes it just SUCKS. I REALLY am trying to fill my time with other things. It is just hard. Really hard. No one understands unless they have gone through this. Please don't give me the line- It will happen. YOU DON'T KNOW. IT HASN'T HAPPENED SO FAR. IT MIGHT NOT HAPPEN. This is a VERY sucky reality, but I HAVE to be able to handle it if it becomes our reality.