Tomorrow is just another day....except...

For one - it is my birthday!! :) Hooray...although in typical fashion, birthdays get a little less exciting as you get older. Especially when your husband is going in for testing that determines the way that you will have a family. Thank goodness for my amazing, smart, funny, caring Kindergarten friends. They already made my birthday so special. I told them a long time ago that February was a GREAT month because my birthday started the month. Today, one of my students remembered that. Wow. And just in case they didn't know, my sneaky coworker came and announced it to them while I was on a potty break. Of course, Five and Six year olds are ready to celebrate - announcing that they would bring a cake and some candles and some presents...SO SWEET. I told them that they only present I would need is a hug from each of them. Immediately I was bombarded with hugs. :) Best.Job.Ever.
So I am counting my blessings that my five year olds can distract me from what could be a tough day. The innocence of a child is a BEAUTIFUL thing, and even if we can't make our own - God has blessed me with the gift of 20 sweet students this year and all of the students before. I hope I can share that enthusiasm and distraction with "Jack" as the day goes by.

Dreams...Nightmares...A sign?

SO as it gets closer to THE DAY for us, I am working very hard to be a peace. I took Erin's advice and am in the middle of creating a prayer/love room. It is the perfect place to go and shut out the world and just "have a little talk with Jesus" - as Cleavent Derricks would say. What a fabulous idea! During the daytime, I feel pleasantly at peace with whatever the results of this should be. Nighttime brings with it all of my unsettled doubts and fears. As soon as I close my eyes, I am filled with all of the "What Ifs?"- What if it is negative, we go through with ivf and it doesn't work - what if IVF isn't God's plan, and we are playing our own God - what if we adopt and the child decides to leave us for his/her biological parents when they are older?...etc, etc, etc...Not only am I filled with what ifs, but when I finally pray through those thoughts and block them out and drift to sleep - my dreams are filled with scenarios of what could happen...By the time I waken, I feel so tired from struggling through each dream.
I have learned that my happiness in the light is much greater when I avoid emmersing myself in everything baby. Lately that has been a difficult task because two of my dear friends are about to have their babies. I am so excited for them and it is easy to get caught up in their happiness. I even looked on craigslist at baby stuff...It is so hard to restrain myself from feeling that excitement. I remember when we were first trying and I just felt SO sure that we were going to get pregnant. I went and bought a couple of baby items. After three years and certainty that we will not be walking the easy road that many couples do, I have tried really hard to avoid getting caught up in the baby craze...So maybe I have been pretending for a little while that we could be any of the other couples that are pregnant, when in all reality, we may never be. I HAVE to keep reminding myself of this. It keeps me grounded and actually more happy. ALL of that to say, perhaps in allowing myself to get caught up in all of it, I am responsible for those crazy dreams at night. So how in the world to I stop?

In transition

So many thanks for your comments ladies. I was inspired by Erin's idea to make our love/prayer room. I love the idea of having a special place to go when I feel down or in despair. I love the idea of long talks with God in the rocker that will eventually be used for loving and rocking baby Chalos. A room filled with all the things we love - What an amazing place for restoration and hope. So on that note (and with my love for all things renovation), I set about to create our room of renewal. Chad has needed some extra space so we decided to move in some 3 x 3 cubes that we purchased quite some time ago. We are removing a desk that used to live in the room. It is making its way to Indiana in about two weeks. So basically starting with a blank slate (cubes are white). I was given a 6 x 6 print from a friend that I am in love with. So it is my inspiriation for color. We are going to paint the room "wet pavement."

The room

You may not know but in almost every infertile person's life, they have a room...THE ROOM...the room that in the beginning, they made a plan for...planned for baby furniture...planned a theme...planned a space for a rocking chair...the baby's room. It is so easy to get carried away in the beginning. This room is cause for much happiness and excitement in the beginning. You can spend hours and hours on the internet finding ideas and plans for this room. But after three months go by...then six months...then 1 year, 2 years, 3 years plus - THE ROOM is cause for heartache and sadness. We have a design plan that I printed and hung in THE ROOM when we first started trying. The paper is a little crumpled and yellow now. It has been hanging on the wall for 3 years plus some. So today, as I am sitting here and thinking about what this year might hold, I am considering letting go of the room. Maybe THE ROOM should become a craft room, a sewing room, a music room...I wish I could describe the depths of my sorrow when I think about actually making this room usable space for us. Part of me - the hopeful and postive part - wants to wait just a little longer...because what if we need the room soon?...The other part of me - the realist - thinks that maybe, just maybe giving this room a definition could be a positive thing. We wouldn't walk by the room and think of what it could be. We could enjoy it for what it is. Who knew that one room in your house could be the root of so many emotions?

INSOMNIA...

We have had the fabulous luck of snow days this week, and I am grateful...for more reasons than one. I have had insomnia for 3 days now. I CAN'T STOP thinking and worrying about everything that is happening in our lives. Jack Taylor has decided to go back to school - which is AMAZING and WONDERFUL. Jack Taylor's parent's (my wonderful inlaws) have decided to move five hours away from us. February is the month that we get news that could make some decisions that would change the rest of our lives. There is a new idea on the table - one that is NOT my first choice, but may be the right choice - but it is to postpone ivf for a year to let JT get through school, and to save more money. I can't IMAGINE waiting another year. I can't imagine trying to cope with all of infertility's challenges for another year. I can't imagine waiting to do ivf, then experiencing a failed ivf. I wish that we could just be one of those couples that starts to worry when they conceive NOT worry about conceiving. There is so much on my mind. Maybe I will have a murder she wrote marathon to help me relax. Hope you like my blog reno.

Oh...the possibilities...What are your thoughts?

So whether you agree or not, I have decided to assume that our surgery is a big fat failure. It is SO much easier this way. Now I can work through that will happen next. Jack Taylor and I had a long wonderful talk tonight. What if it didn't work? Well...we will definitely be going through with IVF. wow. that is scary and exciting and scary all over again. We would REALLY like to go through with it in June for many reasons....1. June gives me time to deal with the rough reality of IVF. 2. If IVF were to work, I could spend my first trimester puking into my own toilet versus the toilet at Elzie Patton Elementary. 3. If ivf were to work, I would be due in March and I would get extra time at home. I could have FIVE MONTHS to stay at home and decide if that is what I want to do with the next few years of my life. So there is the plan...but how do we get there. We have worked SO hard to pay down our debt, and we are putting that on hold to save for ivf. We could definitely have almost enough by June...Here is the dilemma...I am a COMPLETELY independent person. I always have been. I have NEVER asked my parents for one penny since the day I moved out. Jack Taylor has never asked his parents for anything since we moved out. If our parents would help us just a little, we would be able to meet our goal. I am just not sure how I feel about our parents helping us pay for the conception of our child or children. I don't know...why is this journey so hard and complicated? What do we do? Should we wait a couple more months to save that money? If we did, I would be giving up extra time at home to decide if I was going to be a stay at home Mom. What if it works and we have twins? I would DEFINITELY want extra time....What are your thoughts?