Peace...Could this be here to stay for a while?

So far I have had two VERY successful visits with my amazing infertility therapist. I am recognizing my grief over the fact that our life plan is being dramatically altered...but that is exactly what it is...OUR life plan. I KNOW that life has so much to bring - more than I could even begin to fathom. I am learning to accept that our idea of how life would unfold is not going to happen. AND this does NOT mean that life is going to be terrible or awful. It doesn't mean that I am going to lose my friendships with my MANY friends who are pregnant and/or have children. It doesn't mean that we won't enjoy the next moments, hours, days, months, and years of our life. It means that God has a bigger and better plan. Some days I can accept this, and find gratitude for what is to come. God is giving me Grace and perserverance. I am learning to know my triggers for the sadness that I have and will continue to feel - to say NO to living like I am about to get pregnant. Mostly I am learning how to be happy and CONTENT again. Thank you GOD.

SO here is my NEW plan. ENJOY MY LIFE. Live every moment to the fullest. Deal with our test results in February when they come. Know that if we have to do IVF or adopt, God will provide a way. Appreciate the AMAZING support of the people around me who still love me even though my emotions are going full force like an unstoppable roller coaster. Realize that "my plans" can not be controlled or forced in one direction or the other. Pray for peace and endurance and scripture and role models to continue to support us in this journey. Take one day at a time. EXERCISE and produce LOTS of happy endorphins. Smile and support others who are going through this journey. Listen to music as loud as possible. Write songs with my husband. Do things that I have ALWAYS wanted to do with my life.

This experience has changed me. I am learning to be grateful for what I have learned on this journey.

Healing...Ahhhh....

After such an intense couple of weeks, my first therapy visit was long overdue and intense. We talked about everything you can imagine - my family, my past, chad's family, our infertility journey etc... I imagined that I would walk in, sit on the couch, and blubber like a baby. I was worried she wouldn't be able to actually understand what I was saying, because I couldn't get it together. I was wrong. This initial answer to "tell me why you are here" was a little tough...a few tears were shed, but then we just dug down. She gave me SUCH great insight about why I feel the way I feel, about how normal my feelings were, and even how we were on a good path to healing. As we were finishing up, I made a statement that went something like this - " I just don't want to be selfish or my friends to think I am selfish because I can't go baby shopping with them or talk about baby..." She paused for a moment, and asked me where I learned this concept of "selfish". She also asked me to define "selfish"...She suggested that perhaps I need to rethink this idea of selfishness that I am so stuck on...I have thought about that SO much in the last two days. I think that in the past I viewed selfish as being not available at all times to anyone who needs or wants your time or attention- no matter the inconvenience. As much as I enjoy SO MUCH helping friends and strangers in need, I realize that I am not being selfish when I have boundaries. WOW...So selfish and boundaries are very skewed to me...I am gonna chew on this for a while and get back to you....Do you ever feel this way?

Figuring it out

I have to take a minute to really talk about my AMAZING support system. Let's start with last Sunday. My husband and I facilitate a small young marrieds group at our church. Last week's group consisted of two pregnant women (and their husbands) and a couple with two children (who were present at group) and a friend with a little boy who also came to group. Needless to say, being surrounded by SO much baby was a little bit (or a lot) of overload for me. I managed to make it through group, even got in the car with the intention of driving, however after about 2 miles, it all hit me and poor Chad had to drive the rest of the way home with his blubbering wife next to him. So let's suffice it to say that Sunday night was tough, and when I woke up Monday morning, I didn't feel any better. I also didn't really feel like I could talk to anyone (besides the husband) because I had vented to them so many times in the past. Seriously - how many times can you listen to someone moan and cry about how they can't get pregnant and everyone around them can? Then I got an incredible email from a distant friend that day (who has recently lost a dear beautiful child) about how they struggled to conceive. She even sent me a link to her birth story. What a reminder - Life could be SO much worse, but God has blessed me in SO many ways. This friend encouraged me SO much that I left work feeling like I might actually be able to make it through the week. The rest of the week was filled with emails, messages, and texts from friends that I don't normally talk to. They were all encouraging me. How did they know that I needed that SO much this week? I even got a very special message from my closest pregnant friend - she was so encouraging and sympathetic. It meant a lot that she realized the difficulty in all of this, and it still standing by without letting things get ackward or strained. What a WONDERFUL blessing! So I made it through this week. So thank you to all of our amazing support - our family who ALWAYS is willing to listen, our friends who are willing to be a little uncomfortable so that they can empathize with us, and to those who don't even know how much you are changing our journey.
As the months pass until we can test to see if the surgery worked, we are still trying. It is so emotionally devastating to deal with ovultion tests and negative pregnancy tests. The thing is - I realize that we will not be getting pregnant any time soon, but somewhere deep down every month, I still hang onto the hope that maybe it worked. The good thing is that I found a counselor that specializes in infertility so maybe I can figure out a way to cope with everything. A way that doesn't involve shopping, eating, OR drinking. I have an appoinment with her on Monday, so hopefully Monday afternoon I can begin to heal a little and figure out how to accept this life path that God has given us.

Today is a sad day.

It is one of those days where I woke up and baby was on my mind. I turned on the tv - A Baby Story. (Did I watch it? Of course, Why would I have the sense to change the channel? ) I got on facebook - and apparently it was on everybody else's mind too...I got updates on all of my prego friends, and even got an email from motherhood maternity. WONDERFUL. I went to lunch with my husband- babies everywhere...Then I went and tortured myself by looking in (you guessed it) Target's baby section. What in the world is wrong with me? I cried all the way to my hair appointment- got it together enough to go and get my hair cut - then cried all the way home. I love my pregnant friends SO much, and I would NEVER want them to feel like they can't talk to me about their pregnancy or what is coming up in their life - but it is REALLY difficult to watch their baby bump grow. I want a baby bump. I want to buy maternity and baby clothes. I want to go to lamaz classes. But instead, I get a once a month reminder of what I don't have. I get to watch the ones I love obtain all of these things, and try to maintain a reasonable emotional balance. Sometimes it just SUCKS. I REALLY am trying to fill my time with other things. It is just hard. Really hard. No one understands unless they have gone through this. Please don't give me the line- It will happen. YOU DON'T KNOW. IT HASN'T HAPPENED SO FAR. IT MIGHT NOT HAPPEN. This is a VERY sucky reality, but I HAVE to be able to handle it if it becomes our reality.

Post Surgery

So the deed is done. We were at the surgery center for most of Friday. When I went back to see him in post op, I (of course) almost passed out and the nurse had to bring ME orange juice. AWESOME...I am the best wife ever... After that, I pretty much got it together and got Chad ready to go home. With the help of his wonderful nurse, we got him in the car and started our journey home. Poor Chad didn't have such a great ride home - and it didn't help that we were stuck in traffic for most of the ride. As we drew nearer to our house, I was trying to think of the best plan to get him in the house. He was having a really hard time walking because of his incision. I had made up my mind to drive up on our front lawn - that way he would only have to get up three steps, but Chad had other plans. He said that he "didn't want tire marks in the yard"....so we went the normal way, and Chad made it up all six steps to the couch. Hooray!!! Once I got him on the couch, he passed out for a little while - which was convenient because I had to go and pick up his pain medicine - not to mention, get things that he may be able to eat. I didn't even THINK about the fact that he wouldn't be able to eat. I had a successful trip, and arrived at home loaded down with sprite, jello, bread, ginger ale, etc... It took a few hours for him to be able to eat or drink anything, but once the nausea went away - it was much better. One jello and a half of piece of bread later, he had a pain pill. The rest of the night was a blur....ice packs on and off every 20 minutes...pain pills every six hours...dogs out, fed, watered, given treats...P.S. I can't imagine having to do this with kiddos. WOw. How do people do it?
So we made it through out first night, second night, and we are having a much better day today. Chad has been able to walk to the bathroom by himself, eat, and even managed to take his bandage off and take a shower. He is amazing, and has kept such a great sense of humor the whole time. I am just SO thankful for such an amazing husband who is willing to endure all of this.
The doctor said that we should not even think about doing any testing (to see if this worked) until January. He said our chances that this will work are 50% - which are actually better odds than IVF, SO here we go again, waiting and waiting. In the meantime, we are going to try and enjoy our favorite season (Fall) together. My fall break is coming and I get to go and visit my family!!!!! HOOOOORAY!!!!!!!!!!!! Then we have a huge craft fair, so I have GOT to get busy making some jewelry and art. Then, we are expecting a big crew for Thanksgiving. In the meantime, we are finishing a garage renovation (to a bonus music room), and getting a bedroom ready in the case that this works and we need to start planning. So...there is my update...I feel good about where we are, and what is to come. The waiting is just the hardest part. :)

The What Ifs....

This month marks 3 years that we have actively been trying to get pregnant. How do I feel about that...Hmm...I think you know. Read a couple of posts...I am working on finding that bright sunny place again....

So with our upcoming surgery on Friday, all I have been able to focus on are the "what ifs"...I am trying to just let it be- have a positive outlook, and trust the God has a plan...BUT at the same time - we don't want to get our hopes up in the case that this is a total bust. In one minute, I feel SO EXCITED that Baby Chalos might actually be a possibility....In the next, I feel like I am in despair over the fact that it may not work. UGH. I miss my old self...The one where I was a rock emotionally. I would like to stop complaining. Sounds SO easy, right? NO...ITS NOT. Not when babies are in your every thought. So...Maybe on a happy note, I will show you some idea of what we would like to do for a baby's room...if this works.

So...We are in love with both of these crib sets...Here are our top two choices...

Litto Kids Silly Owl Bedding - Found at modernnursery.com

Here is another choice...

Macaroni Canary Crib Set from moddecor.com

So...The first option has really cute little owls in a pattern...SUPER modern...The second is just bright and cheery. This is what I spend my time on...when I am feeling positive...Trying to find a balance...We'll see how the goes.

P.S. Everytime I write, I feel like I am having personal verbal diarrhea...then I remember that this is my coping mechanism and it is all mine...and if it makes you sad or angry or you are tired of me complaining, then DON'T READ IT. We can still be friends. I will probably never even know. :)

Hopefully next time I write, it will be with good news.

Will it before you can FEEL it....

So after a pretty down week, I had a FABULOUS night at my girl's bible study tonight. I feel like I have lost a lot of hope in the past weeks - been overwhelmed by my loved ones and their baby blessings - and sat around feeling sorry for myself. In the chapter that we read tonight, Beth Moore talked about how we can't or don't just change how we feel about something. BUT we can change how we think about it. That is my personal mission for the next few months. She said you have to "will it, before you can feel it"....So here goes.... I am willing myself to have faith - to believe that their is a greater plan - to know that God has an amazing family in store for us. Chad has surgery next week. This could be a HUGE answer to all of our prayers. We are trying SO hard not to count on it, but hoping for the best results possible. Here is to hope, strong will, and perseverance - to seeing the bigger picture - to appreciating all of my blessings.