Finally....Some Happy News...

SO Chad and I recently took a much needed trip to our urologist- and got some REALLY great news!!! Chad was diagnosed with a condition called varicocele. This condition causes many problems for men- the most common is infertility. The wonderful news is that the Dr. can operate and resolve this issue. After this surgery, the doctor was pretty enthusiastic in telling us that we could get pregnant without ivf...WOW. We are so elated with the news, however we have gotten SO much bad news in the past 6 months. We don't want to get too excited in the case that this doesn't work. But deep down, I am praying/hoping/counting on this surgery. What a miracle it would be if we could get pregnant without the help of a fertility specialist! So another journey begins. Chad goes back on the 23rd to set a date for his surgery. We are praying for success with little to no pain. We are praying that Baby Betty or Baby Harrison will be on their way soon.

Where do we go from here....

I am writing this now with such a heavy heart. When will I feel normal again???? We have been feeling like maybe we need to explore our adoption options. I have spent COUNTLESS hours pouring over research and information from different agencies. I found out today that because of the anxiety meds that my hubby takes - we are ineligible for most international adoption. Seriously. So frustrating--- Then I think, well maybe this is God's way of telling us, we need to plan for IVF...So I do research on IVF with ICSI (which is what we would have to do because of our infertility issues) - The percentages are just not good. So what do we do? I try really hard not to be sad about what we are going through- but it is SO hard. Anytime I see a baby- talk about baby things- hang with my friends and their children- It is a constant reminder. I wish my yearn for a baby would just go away.

Just When I Think I have my emotions under control...

Tonight, during our Marraige on the Rock class, we were discussing money. This is CLEARLY an area in which we have lots of room for improvement. HOWEVER - We have worked really hard to get to where we are. All of that to say that my greatest fear in making a decisions about IVF or Adoption is that we won't be able to pay for it. IVF costs about 14000. There is no payment plan- you just write them a big fat check the day of the procedures. AND the chance that it will work is a whopping 45%. WOW. International Adoption (the only kind we will consider) is 30000. It can take up to 6 years at the most.
We have considered and prayed. The pros for IVF is that we can actually have a child that has our genetic structure. How amazing. The con is that, there is a 55% chance that it will NOT WORK. How very devastating. Pros for International adoption - We get to give a child a future that they would never be able to have without us. Cons- Let's be honest...The kid could be crazy, have some insane medical problems that weren't detected, AND IT COSTS 30000. How is the world would be pay for that? YET tonight I heard the most amazing story from a woman who is oblivious to my situation. She was unable to get pregnant and decided to pursue adoption. After exploring all of her options, she and her husband through much prayer, decided that they would adopt a little boy from Korea. At that time the cost was 20000. They had 200 in their savings. Over nine months, God miraculously provided 18700 to them. They said they had no idea how that happened. The week that they got their son, their finances somehow returned to normal. WOW. God provides. I know that he does.
Chad and I have prayed and prayed and prayed. I have felt little to no confirmation about one choice or the other. Chad has felt a heavy pull toward adoption. Now I just pray constantly for God to give me some answer....some feeling...so that I know that we are making choices that are in the center of his will. Was hearing this story a coincidence tonight? Or was it God speaking through one of his people to tell us that he will provide? How do I know?

wedding dress - $600, photographer-$2000, Wedding Cake- $800...My sister's perfect wedding - Priceless

So I just returned from an exhaustingly amazing trip to Georgia to help my sister get married. We worked as many hours as possible- sometimes putting in 19 hour days...It was SOOO worth it. Her wedding was a beautiful union of two people from VERY different backgrounds, joining together in innocence and love. I really enjoyed the rehearsal dinner- including the entertainment for the evening as well as the photo booth at the reception. The photographer had a white board on which you could write messages for the bride and groom- then take a picture. Let's just say that we may need a sensor on some of our pics. :) All of this to say, I love my sister SO much, and I am SO happy for her.
While I was down, I was able to meet with a couple of girls to begin to plan our 10 YEAR REUNION..... How is that even possible? I feel like I graduated high school, blinked, and ten years went by. I am, however, very excited to catch up with several long lost friends. I have been gone for 10 years, and have missed out on so much of their lives. Well...that is about it for now. I am off to see my amazing husband plan on his not so amazing softball team.

My Journey but Not my choice

Wow...I am finally composing my first blog. I am beginning this blog as a sort of therapy- I need an outlet for everything I am feeling on my infertility journey. Let me start at the beginning....A little over two years ago, my husband and I made the choice to begin trying to start a family. I went off of my birth control, and held my breath---of course, expecting that any month I would get pregnant. After several months of no results, I decided to start tracking my ovulation cycle. TMI ??? Well...this is not the blog for you. I can't tell you how many times I have peed on a stick in the last two years. It is exhausting, expensive, and frustrating. After a year and a half of nothing, we decided to see a fertility specialist. After our first horrific visit, we came to many realizations...1. This was going to be an insanely costly journey- as neither of our insurance companies planned to pay 1 penny. 2. This was going to be an emotionally exhausting journey that neither of us had planned for or expected. 3. This was NOT our plan for our life. What we did know was this- God had a plan and we would do our very best to be patient as he unveiled it.
We started seeing our specialist in January. Since then, I can't even tell you how many tests have been run, how much money has been spent, and how many tears I have cried. We tried and failed with IUI. Afterwards, we took more test to discover that this problem is something that is basically unfixable. Our choices are to try another IUI with a less than 10% chance of success, pay 14000 for IVF that has a 45% success rate, or consider adoption. I keep thinking...Why us? We are good people. We love the Lord. We try to live by the golden rule. I don't want to have a pity party for myself, but it is so hard to accept such devastating news. Can you imagine abandoning the idea that you will never have a child that looks like you...has your eyes...your husbands smile...OR that you may never hold your baby in your arms?
I am trying to believe that God has something SO much bigger in store. I pray for faith. I try not to talk about it too much around my friends because I don't want them to feel uncomfortable- or annoyed that it is all I talk about. BUT it is what I think about. It consumes me. I am praying for freedom. I am praying for answers. I am thanking God for an amazing husband who lays in bed and holds me when I feel sad. I am hoping that writing about our journey will help me deal with this extraordinary range of feelings that I am experiencing. Thanks for being a part of what I hope will be a healing process.