Goodbye for now

So it has been a while since I last wrote on this blog - As I read back over some of my past blogs, I am seeing how miraculously my life has changed.  God is really cool.  Once we met with the adoption agency, the doors opened and we flew through.  We ended up meeting with several agencies. It was a very cool beginning to a beautiful journey.  I am sure you have guessed or know by now that we are on our journey to meeting our baby through the means of adoption.  Did I say God is cool yet?  Well, he is.  He is just showing us his providence and grace everyday - every step of the way.  So we started a new blog called thechalosadoption.blogpot.com.  We are chronicling this process.  We can't wait to show baby chalos what an amazing journey we went on to meet him/her.  So for now I am saying goodbye.  This blog is been my lifeline for so long.  Writing was my therapy.  It helped me work through the various emotions that infertility brings.  It helped me to put it out there - so others could see and understand the REAL PAIN that comes with infertility.  Since I started this blog, I can't even count how many women I have come in contact with that have dealt with IF in some way.  So thank you for listening.  Thank you for your comments.  Thank you for going on this healing journey with me.  Now I am starting a new journey.  God opened a door and has answered just SO many prayers already.  It is just neat to be on a path that we know God laid just for us.  Life is like that.  Just one long road and God has some pretty cool twists and turns along the way.  We may even veer off to some lonesome valley or try to climb a crazy mountain - but he is ALWAYS THERE. ALWAYS.  Even when I felt like he wasn't - or didn't care - He was there. 
So that is that.  I am going to print this blog into a book for my kiddos so that if someday they go through a journey like this, they can see that God provides.  ABUNDANTLY.
Thank you again for your support.  I hope you will follow our adoption journey.  Who knows where it will take us? :)

Adopted...for life...

So tomorrow at 4 pm, Jack Taylor and I will be going to meet with an adoption agency. Wow. It seems weird and real and exciting and scary and every other emotion you can even begin to think of...After having some reflection time from our latest doctors visit, we spent more hours in prayer and talking about what we feel God is leading us to.  Now I have said all along that Jack feels a strong pull toward adoption.  I have been the one dragging my feet - searching for any other way to make this happen for us - seeking, praying, begging God to just give me some audible assurance about our path.  I have come to learn some valuable lessons in the past 3 and a half years - but one in particular - God has given us the amazing gift of the holy spirit.  Sometimes we "feel" him  -  but not always.  He is evident in so many other avenues that are easy to miss.  As I have done my devotions in the past weeks and spoken to friends, and read books - one scripture seems to be recurring...

Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you. James 1:27-

 so tomorrow we are taking a step - still unsure of what God has ahead.  It is VERY possible to go tomorrow and have a definite resounding NO as an answer - or it is equally as possible that we may go and begin the journey to meet the blessing that God has created just for us.  So what I am asking for is your prayers tonight and tomorrow.  Pray that God will give us clarity and assurance and peace in all of this.  Pray that if this journey is his will, then he will provide abundantly along the way.  Pray that we could be used by him in some way in all of this.  Pray for the orphans who don't have a Mom or Dad to tuck them in at night - who rock themselves to sleep with no one around to cuddle them and tell them that Jesus loves them.  And always ALWAYS remember how very blessed we are to have been adopted for life -

But when the fullness of the time had come, God sent forth His Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, that we might receive the adoption as sons. Galatians 4:4-6

Finding Restoration...Today Anyway...

I am on spring break this week - FABULOUS. I love sleeping in - having time to clean - having time to catch up on my dvr'd shows -  Here is the whole truth - While all of my co-workers and student's families have these memorable vacations or even just time together - hanging out and watching tv- I am here. alone. visiting my friends who just had beautiful babies. then returning home. to be alone. again. I am NOT writing this to envoke your feelings of sadness and pity. I am writing because I want you to understand how this feels.  How infertility feels.  I spent the last two hours reading a book about adoption - playing every possible scenario of domestic and international adoption - of how I will ward off people's prejudice if we adopt a child of a different race.  I spent the last few days trying to find some certainty.  I spent Friday evening looking in the newborn window on the labor and delivery floor - trying to figure out how I will make it if I never get to look through that window at MY beautiful bundle of joy. Alas - this is the journey of infertility.  I am one of the lucky ones.  I have an amazing group of supportive friends and family.  I go to a girl's bible study each Tuesday - I am inspired by Beth Moore's words of encouragement- I am on a journey to find joy, peace, restoration... Here is an amazing video I found my infertility blog. A little sad - but that is the reality of infertility...
What IF from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

Is this what it feels like to be led?????

Okay friends so we had a...DAY...today - if you know what I mean. We were really lucky to find a new RE that a friend recommended. From the first phone interaction with this medical practice, I knew that this was going to be a much better experience - Kind, caring, sympathetic, funny staff who are there to help you make a baby. Jack Taylor and I had quite the lengthy discussion (three hours to be exact) last night about the possibile outcomes of our impending visit. As it turns out, Jack Taylor has been feeling a strong call to pursue international adoption. He told me about several examples when he just was overwhelmed with these thoughts. We talked about how so many children around the world don't have clean water, food, medical care, etc...We dreamed about how we could change that for one or more children - and what God could turn that into - maybe clean water for a village - maybe a better school system for a village - Only God knows...We also talked about how we both felt that we needed to be 100% on the same page before any decision is made. I still have reservations about our journey. I still want to be pregnant and carry a child. I still don't feel full release that we should definitely pursue that. So in essence we tried to think of all possible scenarios that could happen during the visit.
1. The doctor and staff would be awful. We would hate it there. In this case, we decided that we would call an adoption representative as our next step.
2. We would like the doctor. We would love the staff. He would recommend IVF with icsi. We would then go home save as much money as possible in the upcoming months and continue to pray about what we should do.
3. We would LOVE the clinic. Everything would be perfect. He would recommend that we could simply do iui and be done with it. We would do cartwheels, buy dinner for all of our friends and family, and have a dance party.

We did not see this coming.

He did a quick exam and we went to his office where he examined our medical history. He pointed out time and time again where our previous RE had requested testing that was invalid and antiquated. We spent ALL of our extra money last year - including any savings we had - to have these tests run. He compared our IUI to throwing spaghetti on a wall - just guessing at the problem. He concluded that the doctor never really ruled out that I did/didn't have any issues- and that most of Chad's tests were invalid because of the "norms" that they used (norms not comparable to the NIH)...So here we are back at square one. Our prayer last night (and every day, hour, minute second) was that the Holy Spirit would fill us with the power of discernment and grace and wisdom to see him in all of this. Man, How I wish there were a vision manual for that!? Was this the slap in the face from God that I prayed for? Or is this another medical experience much like a diabetic or cancer patient would have? How in the world do we know where to go from here? Should we start this process ALL OVER AGAIN? Can you tell we are a little more than confused? Here is the good news in all of this. My God is still in charge. He makes miracles happen and I KNOW that he wants me to be a Mommy someday. I am just praying for assurance from him and leading in the right directions. I am praying that he would still the heart of my amazing husband and relieve him of some of his in guilt. I am thanking him for our blessing that he has poured out on us. So...That is that. Now you are all caught up. If God happens to dial your number tonight to give you some instructions for us, please PLEASE don't hesistate to let us know.
Love,
The Taylors

Short and Sweet

I am so very thankful for the amazing "family" that we have in our small group. Thank you Jesus for your provision of friends who can pray you through what you can't speak.

Answers. Finally.

It has been an unbelievable battle to get some results out of these people. SO my extremely persistent husband called every hour on the hour to our urologist office until they finally faxed us the results. We have YET to speak with a doctor, but we did have our last results so we compared. What we were hoping and praying to see an increase in normal shape and motility...Unfortunately based on the results, there has been no change in motility, and very little change in the shape. We are hoping that the very small increase in shape means something...Basically we will most likely (short of a miracle) be unable to conceive naturally. So - not what we had hoped to hear. So now we pray for peace and perseverance to help us get through this time. We have basically drained all of our resources in the last year - so we will be spending the next year on a tight budget and eating a lot of raman. :) I am praying for a positive attitude and endurance. It is SO easy to get angry, frustrated, and bitter about this journey - watching how easy it is for so many people to conceive - and to realize how much money we will be spending on a chance to conceive. Most couples could put that money toward a college fund, bigger house, or savings account for their child but not us. What we are praying for in the next year - is an amazing chance to grow our marriage into a pillar of strength - more than it has already...
I heard a song the day we got our results - by a couple of our friends -Jeremy and Jennifer... (They are in a little band that you may have heard of called FFH)...Here are the lyrics...

"So this is what it feels like to walk the wilderness
This is what it feels like to come undone
This is what it feels like to lose my confidence
Unsure of anything and anyone

So this is what it feels like to walk the desert sand
This is what it feels like to hear my name
To be scared to death 'cause I am all alone
But feel love and peace just the same

This may not be the road I would choose for me
But it still feels right somehow
'Cause I have never felt You as close to me
As I do right now
This is what it feels like to be led"

This is my song for now - my prayer. Thank you for all of your prayers and support. We couldn't do this without the amazing friends and family that we have.

Quick Update

So just a quick update - San Diego was AMAZING-BEAUTIFUL-RELAXING-and PERFECT!! I had lots and lots of alone time to think through everything that we have been going through - but there were also SO many things to do so that I could be busy if I wanted to. I did all touristy things possible - zoo, trolley tour, Old Town(original SanDiego), Coronado Island, etc... I was also SO very lucky to spend the evenings with my hubby and enjoy the sights that I found during the day. Everyone walks everywhere, is laid back, and there is a healthy eating option in EVERY restaurant. I loved all of those things. Only downfall - My allergies kicked in about two days into being there, so I was taking benadryl every night and passed out. I am still trying to get well.

As has been the pattern in the past, we are STILL waiting to hear from our clinic. My hubs had a very frustrating experience when he went on my birthday. They insisted on calling my gyno with the results. Just fyi, my gyno has NO idea what or where we are in this process. The only thing that she knows is that she referred us ONE YEAR ago. I called to chat about the reasoning behind this - and our clinic said that she was the one who requested this - which is a TOTAL fabrication. Our RE and urologist both requested this SA. Also, they said that we were new patients of our RE's. I informed them that we have been seeing our RE for over a Year - and have spent LOTS of time and money at the clinic. They didn't even remember Chad's name from when he came to the clinic THIRTY MINUTES earlier. Needless to say - I am so frustrated. This is not the first time we have had a negative experience with Nashville Fertility Clinic. All of that to say - We will be switching specialists once we get the results. I will update once we have gotten results and have made some decisions. Either way- Thank you SO much for your encouragement and positive comments. We are going to make it through this year just like we have the last three years - hoping we can make it through with more assurance, a greater faith, and an unending peace.

Tomorrow is just another day....except...

For one - it is my birthday!! :) Hooray...although in typical fashion, birthdays get a little less exciting as you get older. Especially when your husband is going in for testing that determines the way that you will have a family. Thank goodness for my amazing, smart, funny, caring Kindergarten friends. They already made my birthday so special. I told them a long time ago that February was a GREAT month because my birthday started the month. Today, one of my students remembered that. Wow. And just in case they didn't know, my sneaky coworker came and announced it to them while I was on a potty break. Of course, Five and Six year olds are ready to celebrate - announcing that they would bring a cake and some candles and some presents...SO SWEET. I told them that they only present I would need is a hug from each of them. Immediately I was bombarded with hugs. :) Best.Job.Ever.
So I am counting my blessings that my five year olds can distract me from what could be a tough day. The innocence of a child is a BEAUTIFUL thing, and even if we can't make our own - God has blessed me with the gift of 20 sweet students this year and all of the students before. I hope I can share that enthusiasm and distraction with "Jack" as the day goes by.

Dreams...Nightmares...A sign?

SO as it gets closer to THE DAY for us, I am working very hard to be a peace. I took Erin's advice and am in the middle of creating a prayer/love room. It is the perfect place to go and shut out the world and just "have a little talk with Jesus" - as Cleavent Derricks would say. What a fabulous idea! During the daytime, I feel pleasantly at peace with whatever the results of this should be. Nighttime brings with it all of my unsettled doubts and fears. As soon as I close my eyes, I am filled with all of the "What Ifs?"- What if it is negative, we go through with ivf and it doesn't work - what if IVF isn't God's plan, and we are playing our own God - what if we adopt and the child decides to leave us for his/her biological parents when they are older?...etc, etc, etc...Not only am I filled with what ifs, but when I finally pray through those thoughts and block them out and drift to sleep - my dreams are filled with scenarios of what could happen...By the time I waken, I feel so tired from struggling through each dream.
I have learned that my happiness in the light is much greater when I avoid emmersing myself in everything baby. Lately that has been a difficult task because two of my dear friends are about to have their babies. I am so excited for them and it is easy to get caught up in their happiness. I even looked on craigslist at baby stuff...It is so hard to restrain myself from feeling that excitement. I remember when we were first trying and I just felt SO sure that we were going to get pregnant. I went and bought a couple of baby items. After three years and certainty that we will not be walking the easy road that many couples do, I have tried really hard to avoid getting caught up in the baby craze...So maybe I have been pretending for a little while that we could be any of the other couples that are pregnant, when in all reality, we may never be. I HAVE to keep reminding myself of this. It keeps me grounded and actually more happy. ALL of that to say, perhaps in allowing myself to get caught up in all of it, I am responsible for those crazy dreams at night. So how in the world to I stop?

In transition

So many thanks for your comments ladies. I was inspired by Erin's idea to make our love/prayer room. I love the idea of having a special place to go when I feel down or in despair. I love the idea of long talks with God in the rocker that will eventually be used for loving and rocking baby Chalos. A room filled with all the things we love - What an amazing place for restoration and hope. So on that note (and with my love for all things renovation), I set about to create our room of renewal. Chad has needed some extra space so we decided to move in some 3 x 3 cubes that we purchased quite some time ago. We are removing a desk that used to live in the room. It is making its way to Indiana in about two weeks. So basically starting with a blank slate (cubes are white). I was given a 6 x 6 print from a friend that I am in love with. So it is my inspiriation for color. We are going to paint the room "wet pavement."

The room

You may not know but in almost every infertile person's life, they have a room...THE ROOM...the room that in the beginning, they made a plan for...planned for baby furniture...planned a theme...planned a space for a rocking chair...the baby's room. It is so easy to get carried away in the beginning. This room is cause for much happiness and excitement in the beginning. You can spend hours and hours on the internet finding ideas and plans for this room. But after three months go by...then six months...then 1 year, 2 years, 3 years plus - THE ROOM is cause for heartache and sadness. We have a design plan that I printed and hung in THE ROOM when we first started trying. The paper is a little crumpled and yellow now. It has been hanging on the wall for 3 years plus some. So today, as I am sitting here and thinking about what this year might hold, I am considering letting go of the room. Maybe THE ROOM should become a craft room, a sewing room, a music room...I wish I could describe the depths of my sorrow when I think about actually making this room usable space for us. Part of me - the hopeful and postive part - wants to wait just a little longer...because what if we need the room soon?...The other part of me - the realist - thinks that maybe, just maybe giving this room a definition could be a positive thing. We wouldn't walk by the room and think of what it could be. We could enjoy it for what it is. Who knew that one room in your house could be the root of so many emotions?

INSOMNIA...

We have had the fabulous luck of snow days this week, and I am grateful...for more reasons than one. I have had insomnia for 3 days now. I CAN'T STOP thinking and worrying about everything that is happening in our lives. Jack Taylor has decided to go back to school - which is AMAZING and WONDERFUL. Jack Taylor's parent's (my wonderful inlaws) have decided to move five hours away from us. February is the month that we get news that could make some decisions that would change the rest of our lives. There is a new idea on the table - one that is NOT my first choice, but may be the right choice - but it is to postpone ivf for a year to let JT get through school, and to save more money. I can't IMAGINE waiting another year. I can't imagine trying to cope with all of infertility's challenges for another year. I can't imagine waiting to do ivf, then experiencing a failed ivf. I wish that we could just be one of those couples that starts to worry when they conceive NOT worry about conceiving. There is so much on my mind. Maybe I will have a murder she wrote marathon to help me relax. Hope you like my blog reno.

Oh...the possibilities...What are your thoughts?

So whether you agree or not, I have decided to assume that our surgery is a big fat failure. It is SO much easier this way. Now I can work through that will happen next. Jack Taylor and I had a long wonderful talk tonight. What if it didn't work? Well...we will definitely be going through with IVF. wow. that is scary and exciting and scary all over again. We would REALLY like to go through with it in June for many reasons....1. June gives me time to deal with the rough reality of IVF. 2. If IVF were to work, I could spend my first trimester puking into my own toilet versus the toilet at Elzie Patton Elementary. 3. If ivf were to work, I would be due in March and I would get extra time at home. I could have FIVE MONTHS to stay at home and decide if that is what I want to do with the next few years of my life. So there is the plan...but how do we get there. We have worked SO hard to pay down our debt, and we are putting that on hold to save for ivf. We could definitely have almost enough by June...Here is the dilemma...I am a COMPLETELY independent person. I always have been. I have NEVER asked my parents for one penny since the day I moved out. Jack Taylor has never asked his parents for anything since we moved out. If our parents would help us just a little, we would be able to meet our goal. I am just not sure how I feel about our parents helping us pay for the conception of our child or children. I don't know...why is this journey so hard and complicated? What do we do? Should we wait a couple more months to save that money? If we did, I would be giving up extra time at home to decide if I was going to be a stay at home Mom. What if it works and we have twins? I would DEFINITELY want extra time....What are your thoughts?

February February February

All I can think about is February...If you have been reading my blog, you know that we will find out if the surgery worked in February. I am trying to enjoy this season, look at lights, play with my pups, spend quality time with my husband - but I am not really present in any of these things because in the back of my mind, there is always February. I had a dream last Sunday that the urologist emailed us our results which were negative. Ever since I woke up that morning, I can't shake this feeling that this didn't work. So Yeah for holidays. :) Maybe I can distract myself with thinking about our upcoming IKEA trip.

Biblical Promises

This week, as I grieve for a longtime friend who is dealing with a devastating loss, God has been speaking to me through scripture. Thought I just might share a couple of verses that have been helping me get through my journey...

Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.

You will keep in perfect peace, all whose thoughts are fixed on you! Trust in the Lord ALWAYS for the Lord God is the eternal rock. Isaiah 26:3-4

Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions NEVER fail. They are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion;therefore I will wait for him." Lam. 3:22-25

In the same way, the spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. Romans 8:26

We demolish arguments and every pretension that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Cor. 10:5


Thank you God for teaching me to listen instead of talking and seeking the answers that I so desperately want. I pray now for peace and assurance, and more of your encouraging words to come alive in my life and in the lives of others who need your renewal and hope. Thank you that no matter how desperate I am, your hope is always greater than my desperation. Thank you for bringing your precious people into my life with words of encouragement, and hugs and patience when there are no words. I praying unending blessings on their lives. Thank you for your grace...I love you.

Tonight

Don't you just LOVE being a girl...all full of hormones and craziness...I definitely do tonight. I hosted the appetizer portion of a progressive dinner. SO fun. Loved the company of the people who came...I sat and listened to lots of conversations...some interesting and funny...some that took me back to my teenage year...some that I wasn't able to participate in...now everyone is gone and I am left here...wishing I was able to talk about my morning sickness, my new baby purchases, my growing belly...Unfortunately that is just not happening this year....Chad reminded me the other day of this lady who came up to Chad's mom one day at bible study. She told her that God had given her a message that she would be a grandmother before the year is up...Well lady...thanks a lot. After remembering that, I played mind games with myself all night so much so that I convinced myself that maybe, just maybe I was pregnant...Maybe she was right and God was answering our prayers in the nick of time...I even took a pregnancy test which of course was negative...WOW...you are probably thinking that I am crazy about now...I think I am crazy...WHY did I do that? Why am I torturing myself? I have been dealing and working through this...Why can't I just accept this change of plans... I read a quote tonight "We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned...so as to accept the life that God has waiting for us"... Amazingly profound...Yet so so difficult.

The Holidays

And so it begins...The hustle and bustle...the crazy busy unending wonderfully fun holiday schedule. I tried to prepare myself. This is the time for families gathered round. Presents and celebrations. It is also the beginning of a long string of births from my friends....one this month..one in february...one in march...one in may...one in june...I am working on prepping myself. I, on one hand, am SO stinking excited to meet these little miracles I can hardly stand it. Believe me, ask my husband...our gift closet is FULL because I keep finding GREAT things that my friends just can't live without. On the other, this is part of the difficulty of infertility. I am the only one living my life- day in and day out. There will be no baby gifts at Christmas - No excitement of a new family member...There will probably be questions..."When are you going to start a family?" "Isn't it time for you to have a baby?"...However, God works miracles. So far, I am feeling mostly happiness and peace. I am focused on dwelling on the beauty of my current life, and the abundant blessing that he has poured out on me and my family. I am actually sitting here thinking how delightfully quiet our house is this evening. That is a HUGE FABULOUS step, and I am proud to be in this place- to finally accept and be so thankful and happy for the life I am living.

Peace...Could this be here to stay for a while?

So far I have had two VERY successful visits with my amazing infertility therapist. I am recognizing my grief over the fact that our life plan is being dramatically altered...but that is exactly what it is...OUR life plan. I KNOW that life has so much to bring - more than I could even begin to fathom. I am learning to accept that our idea of how life would unfold is not going to happen. AND this does NOT mean that life is going to be terrible or awful. It doesn't mean that I am going to lose my friendships with my MANY friends who are pregnant and/or have children. It doesn't mean that we won't enjoy the next moments, hours, days, months, and years of our life. It means that God has a bigger and better plan. Some days I can accept this, and find gratitude for what is to come. God is giving me Grace and perserverance. I am learning to know my triggers for the sadness that I have and will continue to feel - to say NO to living like I am about to get pregnant. Mostly I am learning how to be happy and CONTENT again. Thank you GOD.

SO here is my NEW plan. ENJOY MY LIFE. Live every moment to the fullest. Deal with our test results in February when they come. Know that if we have to do IVF or adopt, God will provide a way. Appreciate the AMAZING support of the people around me who still love me even though my emotions are going full force like an unstoppable roller coaster. Realize that "my plans" can not be controlled or forced in one direction or the other. Pray for peace and endurance and scripture and role models to continue to support us in this journey. Take one day at a time. EXERCISE and produce LOTS of happy endorphins. Smile and support others who are going through this journey. Listen to music as loud as possible. Write songs with my husband. Do things that I have ALWAYS wanted to do with my life.

This experience has changed me. I am learning to be grateful for what I have learned on this journey.

Healing...Ahhhh....

After such an intense couple of weeks, my first therapy visit was long overdue and intense. We talked about everything you can imagine - my family, my past, chad's family, our infertility journey etc... I imagined that I would walk in, sit on the couch, and blubber like a baby. I was worried she wouldn't be able to actually understand what I was saying, because I couldn't get it together. I was wrong. This initial answer to "tell me why you are here" was a little tough...a few tears were shed, but then we just dug down. She gave me SUCH great insight about why I feel the way I feel, about how normal my feelings were, and even how we were on a good path to healing. As we were finishing up, I made a statement that went something like this - " I just don't want to be selfish or my friends to think I am selfish because I can't go baby shopping with them or talk about baby..." She paused for a moment, and asked me where I learned this concept of "selfish". She also asked me to define "selfish"...She suggested that perhaps I need to rethink this idea of selfishness that I am so stuck on...I have thought about that SO much in the last two days. I think that in the past I viewed selfish as being not available at all times to anyone who needs or wants your time or attention- no matter the inconvenience. As much as I enjoy SO MUCH helping friends and strangers in need, I realize that I am not being selfish when I have boundaries. WOW...So selfish and boundaries are very skewed to me...I am gonna chew on this for a while and get back to you....Do you ever feel this way?

Figuring it out

I have to take a minute to really talk about my AMAZING support system. Let's start with last Sunday. My husband and I facilitate a small young marrieds group at our church. Last week's group consisted of two pregnant women (and their husbands) and a couple with two children (who were present at group) and a friend with a little boy who also came to group. Needless to say, being surrounded by SO much baby was a little bit (or a lot) of overload for me. I managed to make it through group, even got in the car with the intention of driving, however after about 2 miles, it all hit me and poor Chad had to drive the rest of the way home with his blubbering wife next to him. So let's suffice it to say that Sunday night was tough, and when I woke up Monday morning, I didn't feel any better. I also didn't really feel like I could talk to anyone (besides the husband) because I had vented to them so many times in the past. Seriously - how many times can you listen to someone moan and cry about how they can't get pregnant and everyone around them can? Then I got an incredible email from a distant friend that day (who has recently lost a dear beautiful child) about how they struggled to conceive. She even sent me a link to her birth story. What a reminder - Life could be SO much worse, but God has blessed me in SO many ways. This friend encouraged me SO much that I left work feeling like I might actually be able to make it through the week. The rest of the week was filled with emails, messages, and texts from friends that I don't normally talk to. They were all encouraging me. How did they know that I needed that SO much this week? I even got a very special message from my closest pregnant friend - she was so encouraging and sympathetic. It meant a lot that she realized the difficulty in all of this, and it still standing by without letting things get ackward or strained. What a WONDERFUL blessing! So I made it through this week. So thank you to all of our amazing support - our family who ALWAYS is willing to listen, our friends who are willing to be a little uncomfortable so that they can empathize with us, and to those who don't even know how much you are changing our journey.
As the months pass until we can test to see if the surgery worked, we are still trying. It is so emotionally devastating to deal with ovultion tests and negative pregnancy tests. The thing is - I realize that we will not be getting pregnant any time soon, but somewhere deep down every month, I still hang onto the hope that maybe it worked. The good thing is that I found a counselor that specializes in infertility so maybe I can figure out a way to cope with everything. A way that doesn't involve shopping, eating, OR drinking. I have an appoinment with her on Monday, so hopefully Monday afternoon I can begin to heal a little and figure out how to accept this life path that God has given us.