Goodbye for now

So it has been a while since I last wrote on this blog - As I read back over some of my past blogs, I am seeing how miraculously my life has changed.  God is really cool.  Once we met with the adoption agency, the doors opened and we flew through.  We ended up meeting with several agencies. It was a very cool beginning to a beautiful journey.  I am sure you have guessed or know by now that we are on our journey to meeting our baby through the means of adoption.  Did I say God is cool yet?  Well, he is.  He is just showing us his providence and grace everyday - every step of the way.  So we started a new blog called thechalosadoption.blogpot.com.  We are chronicling this process.  We can't wait to show baby chalos what an amazing journey we went on to meet him/her.  So for now I am saying goodbye.  This blog is been my lifeline for so long.  Writing was my therapy.  It helped me work through the various emotions that infertility brings.  It helped me to put it out there - so others could see and understand the REAL PAIN that comes with infertility.  Since I started this blog, I can't even count how many women I have come in contact with that have dealt with IF in some way.  So thank you for listening.  Thank you for your comments.  Thank you for going on this healing journey with me.  Now I am starting a new journey.  God opened a door and has answered just SO many prayers already.  It is just neat to be on a path that we know God laid just for us.  Life is like that.  Just one long road and God has some pretty cool twists and turns along the way.  We may even veer off to some lonesome valley or try to climb a crazy mountain - but he is ALWAYS THERE. ALWAYS.  Even when I felt like he wasn't - or didn't care - He was there. 
So that is that.  I am going to print this blog into a book for my kiddos so that if someday they go through a journey like this, they can see that God provides.  ABUNDANTLY.
Thank you again for your support.  I hope you will follow our adoption journey.  Who knows where it will take us? :)

Adopted...for life...

So tomorrow at 4 pm, Jack Taylor and I will be going to meet with an adoption agency. Wow. It seems weird and real and exciting and scary and every other emotion you can even begin to think of...After having some reflection time from our latest doctors visit, we spent more hours in prayer and talking about what we feel God is leading us to.  Now I have said all along that Jack feels a strong pull toward adoption.  I have been the one dragging my feet - searching for any other way to make this happen for us - seeking, praying, begging God to just give me some audible assurance about our path.  I have come to learn some valuable lessons in the past 3 and a half years - but one in particular - God has given us the amazing gift of the holy spirit.  Sometimes we "feel" him  -  but not always.  He is evident in so many other avenues that are easy to miss.  As I have done my devotions in the past weeks and spoken to friends, and read books - one scripture seems to be recurring...

Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you. James 1:27-

 so tomorrow we are taking a step - still unsure of what God has ahead.  It is VERY possible to go tomorrow and have a definite resounding NO as an answer - or it is equally as possible that we may go and begin the journey to meet the blessing that God has created just for us.  So what I am asking for is your prayers tonight and tomorrow.  Pray that God will give us clarity and assurance and peace in all of this.  Pray that if this journey is his will, then he will provide abundantly along the way.  Pray that we could be used by him in some way in all of this.  Pray for the orphans who don't have a Mom or Dad to tuck them in at night - who rock themselves to sleep with no one around to cuddle them and tell them that Jesus loves them.  And always ALWAYS remember how very blessed we are to have been adopted for life -

But when the fullness of the time had come, God sent forth His Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, that we might receive the adoption as sons. Galatians 4:4-6

Finding Restoration...Today Anyway...

I am on spring break this week - FABULOUS. I love sleeping in - having time to clean - having time to catch up on my dvr'd shows -  Here is the whole truth - While all of my co-workers and student's families have these memorable vacations or even just time together - hanging out and watching tv- I am here. alone. visiting my friends who just had beautiful babies. then returning home. to be alone. again. I am NOT writing this to envoke your feelings of sadness and pity. I am writing because I want you to understand how this feels.  How infertility feels.  I spent the last two hours reading a book about adoption - playing every possible scenario of domestic and international adoption - of how I will ward off people's prejudice if we adopt a child of a different race.  I spent the last few days trying to find some certainty.  I spent Friday evening looking in the newborn window on the labor and delivery floor - trying to figure out how I will make it if I never get to look through that window at MY beautiful bundle of joy. Alas - this is the journey of infertility.  I am one of the lucky ones.  I have an amazing group of supportive friends and family.  I go to a girl's bible study each Tuesday - I am inspired by Beth Moore's words of encouragement- I am on a journey to find joy, peace, restoration... Here is an amazing video I found my infertility blog. A little sad - but that is the reality of infertility...
What IF from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

Is this what it feels like to be led?????

Okay friends so we had a...DAY...today - if you know what I mean. We were really lucky to find a new RE that a friend recommended. From the first phone interaction with this medical practice, I knew that this was going to be a much better experience - Kind, caring, sympathetic, funny staff who are there to help you make a baby. Jack Taylor and I had quite the lengthy discussion (three hours to be exact) last night about the possibile outcomes of our impending visit. As it turns out, Jack Taylor has been feeling a strong call to pursue international adoption. He told me about several examples when he just was overwhelmed with these thoughts. We talked about how so many children around the world don't have clean water, food, medical care, etc...We dreamed about how we could change that for one or more children - and what God could turn that into - maybe clean water for a village - maybe a better school system for a village - Only God knows...We also talked about how we both felt that we needed to be 100% on the same page before any decision is made. I still have reservations about our journey. I still want to be pregnant and carry a child. I still don't feel full release that we should definitely pursue that. So in essence we tried to think of all possible scenarios that could happen during the visit.
1. The doctor and staff would be awful. We would hate it there. In this case, we decided that we would call an adoption representative as our next step.
2. We would like the doctor. We would love the staff. He would recommend IVF with icsi. We would then go home save as much money as possible in the upcoming months and continue to pray about what we should do.
3. We would LOVE the clinic. Everything would be perfect. He would recommend that we could simply do iui and be done with it. We would do cartwheels, buy dinner for all of our friends and family, and have a dance party.

We did not see this coming.

He did a quick exam and we went to his office where he examined our medical history. He pointed out time and time again where our previous RE had requested testing that was invalid and antiquated. We spent ALL of our extra money last year - including any savings we had - to have these tests run. He compared our IUI to throwing spaghetti on a wall - just guessing at the problem. He concluded that the doctor never really ruled out that I did/didn't have any issues- and that most of Chad's tests were invalid because of the "norms" that they used (norms not comparable to the NIH)...So here we are back at square one. Our prayer last night (and every day, hour, minute second) was that the Holy Spirit would fill us with the power of discernment and grace and wisdom to see him in all of this. Man, How I wish there were a vision manual for that!? Was this the slap in the face from God that I prayed for? Or is this another medical experience much like a diabetic or cancer patient would have? How in the world do we know where to go from here? Should we start this process ALL OVER AGAIN? Can you tell we are a little more than confused? Here is the good news in all of this. My God is still in charge. He makes miracles happen and I KNOW that he wants me to be a Mommy someday. I am just praying for assurance from him and leading in the right directions. I am praying that he would still the heart of my amazing husband and relieve him of some of his in guilt. I am thanking him for our blessing that he has poured out on us. So...That is that. Now you are all caught up. If God happens to dial your number tonight to give you some instructions for us, please PLEASE don't hesistate to let us know.
Love,
The Taylors

Short and Sweet

I am so very thankful for the amazing "family" that we have in our small group. Thank you Jesus for your provision of friends who can pray you through what you can't speak.

Answers. Finally.

It has been an unbelievable battle to get some results out of these people. SO my extremely persistent husband called every hour on the hour to our urologist office until they finally faxed us the results. We have YET to speak with a doctor, but we did have our last results so we compared. What we were hoping and praying to see an increase in normal shape and motility...Unfortunately based on the results, there has been no change in motility, and very little change in the shape. We are hoping that the very small increase in shape means something...Basically we will most likely (short of a miracle) be unable to conceive naturally. So - not what we had hoped to hear. So now we pray for peace and perseverance to help us get through this time. We have basically drained all of our resources in the last year - so we will be spending the next year on a tight budget and eating a lot of raman. :) I am praying for a positive attitude and endurance. It is SO easy to get angry, frustrated, and bitter about this journey - watching how easy it is for so many people to conceive - and to realize how much money we will be spending on a chance to conceive. Most couples could put that money toward a college fund, bigger house, or savings account for their child but not us. What we are praying for in the next year - is an amazing chance to grow our marriage into a pillar of strength - more than it has already...
I heard a song the day we got our results - by a couple of our friends -Jeremy and Jennifer... (They are in a little band that you may have heard of called FFH)...Here are the lyrics...

"So this is what it feels like to walk the wilderness
This is what it feels like to come undone
This is what it feels like to lose my confidence
Unsure of anything and anyone

So this is what it feels like to walk the desert sand
This is what it feels like to hear my name
To be scared to death 'cause I am all alone
But feel love and peace just the same

This may not be the road I would choose for me
But it still feels right somehow
'Cause I have never felt You as close to me
As I do right now
This is what it feels like to be led"

This is my song for now - my prayer. Thank you for all of your prayers and support. We couldn't do this without the amazing friends and family that we have.

Quick Update

So just a quick update - San Diego was AMAZING-BEAUTIFUL-RELAXING-and PERFECT!! I had lots and lots of alone time to think through everything that we have been going through - but there were also SO many things to do so that I could be busy if I wanted to. I did all touristy things possible - zoo, trolley tour, Old Town(original SanDiego), Coronado Island, etc... I was also SO very lucky to spend the evenings with my hubby and enjoy the sights that I found during the day. Everyone walks everywhere, is laid back, and there is a healthy eating option in EVERY restaurant. I loved all of those things. Only downfall - My allergies kicked in about two days into being there, so I was taking benadryl every night and passed out. I am still trying to get well.

As has been the pattern in the past, we are STILL waiting to hear from our clinic. My hubs had a very frustrating experience when he went on my birthday. They insisted on calling my gyno with the results. Just fyi, my gyno has NO idea what or where we are in this process. The only thing that she knows is that she referred us ONE YEAR ago. I called to chat about the reasoning behind this - and our clinic said that she was the one who requested this - which is a TOTAL fabrication. Our RE and urologist both requested this SA. Also, they said that we were new patients of our RE's. I informed them that we have been seeing our RE for over a Year - and have spent LOTS of time and money at the clinic. They didn't even remember Chad's name from when he came to the clinic THIRTY MINUTES earlier. Needless to say - I am so frustrated. This is not the first time we have had a negative experience with Nashville Fertility Clinic. All of that to say - We will be switching specialists once we get the results. I will update once we have gotten results and have made some decisions. Either way- Thank you SO much for your encouragement and positive comments. We are going to make it through this year just like we have the last three years - hoping we can make it through with more assurance, a greater faith, and an unending peace.