February February February

All I can think about is February...If you have been reading my blog, you know that we will find out if the surgery worked in February. I am trying to enjoy this season, look at lights, play with my pups, spend quality time with my husband - but I am not really present in any of these things because in the back of my mind, there is always February. I had a dream last Sunday that the urologist emailed us our results which were negative. Ever since I woke up that morning, I can't shake this feeling that this didn't work. So Yeah for holidays. :) Maybe I can distract myself with thinking about our upcoming IKEA trip.

Biblical Promises

This week, as I grieve for a longtime friend who is dealing with a devastating loss, God has been speaking to me through scripture. Thought I just might share a couple of verses that have been helping me get through my journey...

Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.

You will keep in perfect peace, all whose thoughts are fixed on you! Trust in the Lord ALWAYS for the Lord God is the eternal rock. Isaiah 26:3-4

Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions NEVER fail. They are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion;therefore I will wait for him." Lam. 3:22-25

In the same way, the spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. Romans 8:26

We demolish arguments and every pretension that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Cor. 10:5


Thank you God for teaching me to listen instead of talking and seeking the answers that I so desperately want. I pray now for peace and assurance, and more of your encouraging words to come alive in my life and in the lives of others who need your renewal and hope. Thank you that no matter how desperate I am, your hope is always greater than my desperation. Thank you for bringing your precious people into my life with words of encouragement, and hugs and patience when there are no words. I praying unending blessings on their lives. Thank you for your grace...I love you.

Tonight

Don't you just LOVE being a girl...all full of hormones and craziness...I definitely do tonight. I hosted the appetizer portion of a progressive dinner. SO fun. Loved the company of the people who came...I sat and listened to lots of conversations...some interesting and funny...some that took me back to my teenage year...some that I wasn't able to participate in...now everyone is gone and I am left here...wishing I was able to talk about my morning sickness, my new baby purchases, my growing belly...Unfortunately that is just not happening this year....Chad reminded me the other day of this lady who came up to Chad's mom one day at bible study. She told her that God had given her a message that she would be a grandmother before the year is up...Well lady...thanks a lot. After remembering that, I played mind games with myself all night so much so that I convinced myself that maybe, just maybe I was pregnant...Maybe she was right and God was answering our prayers in the nick of time...I even took a pregnancy test which of course was negative...WOW...you are probably thinking that I am crazy about now...I think I am crazy...WHY did I do that? Why am I torturing myself? I have been dealing and working through this...Why can't I just accept this change of plans... I read a quote tonight "We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned...so as to accept the life that God has waiting for us"... Amazingly profound...Yet so so difficult.

The Holidays

And so it begins...The hustle and bustle...the crazy busy unending wonderfully fun holiday schedule. I tried to prepare myself. This is the time for families gathered round. Presents and celebrations. It is also the beginning of a long string of births from my friends....one this month..one in february...one in march...one in may...one in june...I am working on prepping myself. I, on one hand, am SO stinking excited to meet these little miracles I can hardly stand it. Believe me, ask my husband...our gift closet is FULL because I keep finding GREAT things that my friends just can't live without. On the other, this is part of the difficulty of infertility. I am the only one living my life- day in and day out. There will be no baby gifts at Christmas - No excitement of a new family member...There will probably be questions..."When are you going to start a family?" "Isn't it time for you to have a baby?"...However, God works miracles. So far, I am feeling mostly happiness and peace. I am focused on dwelling on the beauty of my current life, and the abundant blessing that he has poured out on me and my family. I am actually sitting here thinking how delightfully quiet our house is this evening. That is a HUGE FABULOUS step, and I am proud to be in this place- to finally accept and be so thankful and happy for the life I am living.