Peace...Could this be here to stay for a while?

So far I have had two VERY successful visits with my amazing infertility therapist. I am recognizing my grief over the fact that our life plan is being dramatically altered...but that is exactly what it is...OUR life plan. I KNOW that life has so much to bring - more than I could even begin to fathom. I am learning to accept that our idea of how life would unfold is not going to happen. AND this does NOT mean that life is going to be terrible or awful. It doesn't mean that I am going to lose my friendships with my MANY friends who are pregnant and/or have children. It doesn't mean that we won't enjoy the next moments, hours, days, months, and years of our life. It means that God has a bigger and better plan. Some days I can accept this, and find gratitude for what is to come. God is giving me Grace and perserverance. I am learning to know my triggers for the sadness that I have and will continue to feel - to say NO to living like I am about to get pregnant. Mostly I am learning how to be happy and CONTENT again. Thank you GOD.

SO here is my NEW plan. ENJOY MY LIFE. Live every moment to the fullest. Deal with our test results in February when they come. Know that if we have to do IVF or adopt, God will provide a way. Appreciate the AMAZING support of the people around me who still love me even though my emotions are going full force like an unstoppable roller coaster. Realize that "my plans" can not be controlled or forced in one direction or the other. Pray for peace and endurance and scripture and role models to continue to support us in this journey. Take one day at a time. EXERCISE and produce LOTS of happy endorphins. Smile and support others who are going through this journey. Listen to music as loud as possible. Write songs with my husband. Do things that I have ALWAYS wanted to do with my life.

This experience has changed me. I am learning to be grateful for what I have learned on this journey.

Healing...Ahhhh....

After such an intense couple of weeks, my first therapy visit was long overdue and intense. We talked about everything you can imagine - my family, my past, chad's family, our infertility journey etc... I imagined that I would walk in, sit on the couch, and blubber like a baby. I was worried she wouldn't be able to actually understand what I was saying, because I couldn't get it together. I was wrong. This initial answer to "tell me why you are here" was a little tough...a few tears were shed, but then we just dug down. She gave me SUCH great insight about why I feel the way I feel, about how normal my feelings were, and even how we were on a good path to healing. As we were finishing up, I made a statement that went something like this - " I just don't want to be selfish or my friends to think I am selfish because I can't go baby shopping with them or talk about baby..." She paused for a moment, and asked me where I learned this concept of "selfish". She also asked me to define "selfish"...She suggested that perhaps I need to rethink this idea of selfishness that I am so stuck on...I have thought about that SO much in the last two days. I think that in the past I viewed selfish as being not available at all times to anyone who needs or wants your time or attention- no matter the inconvenience. As much as I enjoy SO MUCH helping friends and strangers in need, I realize that I am not being selfish when I have boundaries. WOW...So selfish and boundaries are very skewed to me...I am gonna chew on this for a while and get back to you....Do you ever feel this way?