Figuring it out

I have to take a minute to really talk about my AMAZING support system. Let's start with last Sunday. My husband and I facilitate a small young marrieds group at our church. Last week's group consisted of two pregnant women (and their husbands) and a couple with two children (who were present at group) and a friend with a little boy who also came to group. Needless to say, being surrounded by SO much baby was a little bit (or a lot) of overload for me. I managed to make it through group, even got in the car with the intention of driving, however after about 2 miles, it all hit me and poor Chad had to drive the rest of the way home with his blubbering wife next to him. So let's suffice it to say that Sunday night was tough, and when I woke up Monday morning, I didn't feel any better. I also didn't really feel like I could talk to anyone (besides the husband) because I had vented to them so many times in the past. Seriously - how many times can you listen to someone moan and cry about how they can't get pregnant and everyone around them can? Then I got an incredible email from a distant friend that day (who has recently lost a dear beautiful child) about how they struggled to conceive. She even sent me a link to her birth story. What a reminder - Life could be SO much worse, but God has blessed me in SO many ways. This friend encouraged me SO much that I left work feeling like I might actually be able to make it through the week. The rest of the week was filled with emails, messages, and texts from friends that I don't normally talk to. They were all encouraging me. How did they know that I needed that SO much this week? I even got a very special message from my closest pregnant friend - she was so encouraging and sympathetic. It meant a lot that she realized the difficulty in all of this, and it still standing by without letting things get ackward or strained. What a WONDERFUL blessing! So I made it through this week. So thank you to all of our amazing support - our family who ALWAYS is willing to listen, our friends who are willing to be a little uncomfortable so that they can empathize with us, and to those who don't even know how much you are changing our journey.
As the months pass until we can test to see if the surgery worked, we are still trying. It is so emotionally devastating to deal with ovultion tests and negative pregnancy tests. The thing is - I realize that we will not be getting pregnant any time soon, but somewhere deep down every month, I still hang onto the hope that maybe it worked. The good thing is that I found a counselor that specializes in infertility so maybe I can figure out a way to cope with everything. A way that doesn't involve shopping, eating, OR drinking. I have an appoinment with her on Monday, so hopefully Monday afternoon I can begin to heal a little and figure out how to accept this life path that God has given us.

Today is a sad day.

It is one of those days where I woke up and baby was on my mind. I turned on the tv - A Baby Story. (Did I watch it? Of course, Why would I have the sense to change the channel? ) I got on facebook - and apparently it was on everybody else's mind too...I got updates on all of my prego friends, and even got an email from motherhood maternity. WONDERFUL. I went to lunch with my husband- babies everywhere...Then I went and tortured myself by looking in (you guessed it) Target's baby section. What in the world is wrong with me? I cried all the way to my hair appointment- got it together enough to go and get my hair cut - then cried all the way home. I love my pregnant friends SO much, and I would NEVER want them to feel like they can't talk to me about their pregnancy or what is coming up in their life - but it is REALLY difficult to watch their baby bump grow. I want a baby bump. I want to buy maternity and baby clothes. I want to go to lamaz classes. But instead, I get a once a month reminder of what I don't have. I get to watch the ones I love obtain all of these things, and try to maintain a reasonable emotional balance. Sometimes it just SUCKS. I REALLY am trying to fill my time with other things. It is just hard. Really hard. No one understands unless they have gone through this. Please don't give me the line- It will happen. YOU DON'T KNOW. IT HASN'T HAPPENED SO FAR. IT MIGHT NOT HAPPEN. This is a VERY sucky reality, but I HAVE to be able to handle it if it becomes our reality.