Short and Sweet

I am so very thankful for the amazing "family" that we have in our small group. Thank you Jesus for your provision of friends who can pray you through what you can't speak.

Answers. Finally.

It has been an unbelievable battle to get some results out of these people. SO my extremely persistent husband called every hour on the hour to our urologist office until they finally faxed us the results. We have YET to speak with a doctor, but we did have our last results so we compared. What we were hoping and praying to see an increase in normal shape and motility...Unfortunately based on the results, there has been no change in motility, and very little change in the shape. We are hoping that the very small increase in shape means something...Basically we will most likely (short of a miracle) be unable to conceive naturally. So - not what we had hoped to hear. So now we pray for peace and perseverance to help us get through this time. We have basically drained all of our resources in the last year - so we will be spending the next year on a tight budget and eating a lot of raman. :) I am praying for a positive attitude and endurance. It is SO easy to get angry, frustrated, and bitter about this journey - watching how easy it is for so many people to conceive - and to realize how much money we will be spending on a chance to conceive. Most couples could put that money toward a college fund, bigger house, or savings account for their child but not us. What we are praying for in the next year - is an amazing chance to grow our marriage into a pillar of strength - more than it has already...
I heard a song the day we got our results - by a couple of our friends -Jeremy and Jennifer... (They are in a little band that you may have heard of called FFH)...Here are the lyrics...

"So this is what it feels like to walk the wilderness
This is what it feels like to come undone
This is what it feels like to lose my confidence
Unsure of anything and anyone

So this is what it feels like to walk the desert sand
This is what it feels like to hear my name
To be scared to death 'cause I am all alone
But feel love and peace just the same

This may not be the road I would choose for me
But it still feels right somehow
'Cause I have never felt You as close to me
As I do right now
This is what it feels like to be led"

This is my song for now - my prayer. Thank you for all of your prayers and support. We couldn't do this without the amazing friends and family that we have.

Quick Update

So just a quick update - San Diego was AMAZING-BEAUTIFUL-RELAXING-and PERFECT!! I had lots and lots of alone time to think through everything that we have been going through - but there were also SO many things to do so that I could be busy if I wanted to. I did all touristy things possible - zoo, trolley tour, Old Town(original SanDiego), Coronado Island, etc... I was also SO very lucky to spend the evenings with my hubby and enjoy the sights that I found during the day. Everyone walks everywhere, is laid back, and there is a healthy eating option in EVERY restaurant. I loved all of those things. Only downfall - My allergies kicked in about two days into being there, so I was taking benadryl every night and passed out. I am still trying to get well.

As has been the pattern in the past, we are STILL waiting to hear from our clinic. My hubs had a very frustrating experience when he went on my birthday. They insisted on calling my gyno with the results. Just fyi, my gyno has NO idea what or where we are in this process. The only thing that she knows is that she referred us ONE YEAR ago. I called to chat about the reasoning behind this - and our clinic said that she was the one who requested this - which is a TOTAL fabrication. Our RE and urologist both requested this SA. Also, they said that we were new patients of our RE's. I informed them that we have been seeing our RE for over a Year - and have spent LOTS of time and money at the clinic. They didn't even remember Chad's name from when he came to the clinic THIRTY MINUTES earlier. Needless to say - I am so frustrated. This is not the first time we have had a negative experience with Nashville Fertility Clinic. All of that to say - We will be switching specialists once we get the results. I will update once we have gotten results and have made some decisions. Either way- Thank you SO much for your encouragement and positive comments. We are going to make it through this year just like we have the last three years - hoping we can make it through with more assurance, a greater faith, and an unending peace.

Tomorrow is just another day....except...

For one - it is my birthday!! :) Hooray...although in typical fashion, birthdays get a little less exciting as you get older. Especially when your husband is going in for testing that determines the way that you will have a family. Thank goodness for my amazing, smart, funny, caring Kindergarten friends. They already made my birthday so special. I told them a long time ago that February was a GREAT month because my birthday started the month. Today, one of my students remembered that. Wow. And just in case they didn't know, my sneaky coworker came and announced it to them while I was on a potty break. Of course, Five and Six year olds are ready to celebrate - announcing that they would bring a cake and some candles and some presents...SO SWEET. I told them that they only present I would need is a hug from each of them. Immediately I was bombarded with hugs. :) Best.Job.Ever.
So I am counting my blessings that my five year olds can distract me from what could be a tough day. The innocence of a child is a BEAUTIFUL thing, and even if we can't make our own - God has blessed me with the gift of 20 sweet students this year and all of the students before. I hope I can share that enthusiasm and distraction with "Jack" as the day goes by.

Dreams...Nightmares...A sign?

SO as it gets closer to THE DAY for us, I am working very hard to be a peace. I took Erin's advice and am in the middle of creating a prayer/love room. It is the perfect place to go and shut out the world and just "have a little talk with Jesus" - as Cleavent Derricks would say. What a fabulous idea! During the daytime, I feel pleasantly at peace with whatever the results of this should be. Nighttime brings with it all of my unsettled doubts and fears. As soon as I close my eyes, I am filled with all of the "What Ifs?"- What if it is negative, we go through with ivf and it doesn't work - what if IVF isn't God's plan, and we are playing our own God - what if we adopt and the child decides to leave us for his/her biological parents when they are older?...etc, etc, etc...Not only am I filled with what ifs, but when I finally pray through those thoughts and block them out and drift to sleep - my dreams are filled with scenarios of what could happen...By the time I waken, I feel so tired from struggling through each dream.
I have learned that my happiness in the light is much greater when I avoid emmersing myself in everything baby. Lately that has been a difficult task because two of my dear friends are about to have their babies. I am so excited for them and it is easy to get caught up in their happiness. I even looked on craigslist at baby stuff...It is so hard to restrain myself from feeling that excitement. I remember when we were first trying and I just felt SO sure that we were going to get pregnant. I went and bought a couple of baby items. After three years and certainty that we will not be walking the easy road that many couples do, I have tried really hard to avoid getting caught up in the baby craze...So maybe I have been pretending for a little while that we could be any of the other couples that are pregnant, when in all reality, we may never be. I HAVE to keep reminding myself of this. It keeps me grounded and actually more happy. ALL of that to say, perhaps in allowing myself to get caught up in all of it, I am responsible for those crazy dreams at night. So how in the world to I stop?

In transition

So many thanks for your comments ladies. I was inspired by Erin's idea to make our love/prayer room. I love the idea of having a special place to go when I feel down or in despair. I love the idea of long talks with God in the rocker that will eventually be used for loving and rocking baby Chalos. A room filled with all the things we love - What an amazing place for restoration and hope. So on that note (and with my love for all things renovation), I set about to create our room of renewal. Chad has needed some extra space so we decided to move in some 3 x 3 cubes that we purchased quite some time ago. We are removing a desk that used to live in the room. It is making its way to Indiana in about two weeks. So basically starting with a blank slate (cubes are white). I was given a 6 x 6 print from a friend that I am in love with. So it is my inspiriation for color. We are going to paint the room "wet pavement."

The room

You may not know but in almost every infertile person's life, they have a room...THE ROOM...the room that in the beginning, they made a plan for...planned for baby furniture...planned a theme...planned a space for a rocking chair...the baby's room. It is so easy to get carried away in the beginning. This room is cause for much happiness and excitement in the beginning. You can spend hours and hours on the internet finding ideas and plans for this room. But after three months go by...then six months...then 1 year, 2 years, 3 years plus - THE ROOM is cause for heartache and sadness. We have a design plan that I printed and hung in THE ROOM when we first started trying. The paper is a little crumpled and yellow now. It has been hanging on the wall for 3 years plus some. So today, as I am sitting here and thinking about what this year might hold, I am considering letting go of the room. Maybe THE ROOM should become a craft room, a sewing room, a music room...I wish I could describe the depths of my sorrow when I think about actually making this room usable space for us. Part of me - the hopeful and postive part - wants to wait just a little longer...because what if we need the room soon?...The other part of me - the realist - thinks that maybe, just maybe giving this room a definition could be a positive thing. We wouldn't walk by the room and think of what it could be. We could enjoy it for what it is. Who knew that one room in your house could be the root of so many emotions?