Oh...the possibilities...What are your thoughts?

So whether you agree or not, I have decided to assume that our surgery is a big fat failure. It is SO much easier this way. Now I can work through that will happen next. Jack Taylor and I had a long wonderful talk tonight. What if it didn't work? Well...we will definitely be going through with IVF. wow. that is scary and exciting and scary all over again. We would REALLY like to go through with it in June for many reasons....1. June gives me time to deal with the rough reality of IVF. 2. If IVF were to work, I could spend my first trimester puking into my own toilet versus the toilet at Elzie Patton Elementary. 3. If ivf were to work, I would be due in March and I would get extra time at home. I could have FIVE MONTHS to stay at home and decide if that is what I want to do with the next few years of my life. So there is the plan...but how do we get there. We have worked SO hard to pay down our debt, and we are putting that on hold to save for ivf. We could definitely have almost enough by June...Here is the dilemma...I am a COMPLETELY independent person. I always have been. I have NEVER asked my parents for one penny since the day I moved out. Jack Taylor has never asked his parents for anything since we moved out. If our parents would help us just a little, we would be able to meet our goal. I am just not sure how I feel about our parents helping us pay for the conception of our child or children. I don't know...why is this journey so hard and complicated? What do we do? Should we wait a couple more months to save that money? If we did, I would be giving up extra time at home to decide if I was going to be a stay at home Mom. What if it works and we have twins? I would DEFINITELY want extra time....What are your thoughts?

February February February

All I can think about is February...If you have been reading my blog, you know that we will find out if the surgery worked in February. I am trying to enjoy this season, look at lights, play with my pups, spend quality time with my husband - but I am not really present in any of these things because in the back of my mind, there is always February. I had a dream last Sunday that the urologist emailed us our results which were negative. Ever since I woke up that morning, I can't shake this feeling that this didn't work. So Yeah for holidays. :) Maybe I can distract myself with thinking about our upcoming IKEA trip.

Biblical Promises

This week, as I grieve for a longtime friend who is dealing with a devastating loss, God has been speaking to me through scripture. Thought I just might share a couple of verses that have been helping me get through my journey...

Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.

You will keep in perfect peace, all whose thoughts are fixed on you! Trust in the Lord ALWAYS for the Lord God is the eternal rock. Isaiah 26:3-4

Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions NEVER fail. They are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion;therefore I will wait for him." Lam. 3:22-25

In the same way, the spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. Romans 8:26

We demolish arguments and every pretension that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Cor. 10:5


Thank you God for teaching me to listen instead of talking and seeking the answers that I so desperately want. I pray now for peace and assurance, and more of your encouraging words to come alive in my life and in the lives of others who need your renewal and hope. Thank you that no matter how desperate I am, your hope is always greater than my desperation. Thank you for bringing your precious people into my life with words of encouragement, and hugs and patience when there are no words. I praying unending blessings on their lives. Thank you for your grace...I love you.

Tonight

Don't you just LOVE being a girl...all full of hormones and craziness...I definitely do tonight. I hosted the appetizer portion of a progressive dinner. SO fun. Loved the company of the people who came...I sat and listened to lots of conversations...some interesting and funny...some that took me back to my teenage year...some that I wasn't able to participate in...now everyone is gone and I am left here...wishing I was able to talk about my morning sickness, my new baby purchases, my growing belly...Unfortunately that is just not happening this year....Chad reminded me the other day of this lady who came up to Chad's mom one day at bible study. She told her that God had given her a message that she would be a grandmother before the year is up...Well lady...thanks a lot. After remembering that, I played mind games with myself all night so much so that I convinced myself that maybe, just maybe I was pregnant...Maybe she was right and God was answering our prayers in the nick of time...I even took a pregnancy test which of course was negative...WOW...you are probably thinking that I am crazy about now...I think I am crazy...WHY did I do that? Why am I torturing myself? I have been dealing and working through this...Why can't I just accept this change of plans... I read a quote tonight "We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned...so as to accept the life that God has waiting for us"... Amazingly profound...Yet so so difficult.

The Holidays

And so it begins...The hustle and bustle...the crazy busy unending wonderfully fun holiday schedule. I tried to prepare myself. This is the time for families gathered round. Presents and celebrations. It is also the beginning of a long string of births from my friends....one this month..one in february...one in march...one in may...one in june...I am working on prepping myself. I, on one hand, am SO stinking excited to meet these little miracles I can hardly stand it. Believe me, ask my husband...our gift closet is FULL because I keep finding GREAT things that my friends just can't live without. On the other, this is part of the difficulty of infertility. I am the only one living my life- day in and day out. There will be no baby gifts at Christmas - No excitement of a new family member...There will probably be questions..."When are you going to start a family?" "Isn't it time for you to have a baby?"...However, God works miracles. So far, I am feeling mostly happiness and peace. I am focused on dwelling on the beauty of my current life, and the abundant blessing that he has poured out on me and my family. I am actually sitting here thinking how delightfully quiet our house is this evening. That is a HUGE FABULOUS step, and I am proud to be in this place- to finally accept and be so thankful and happy for the life I am living.

Peace...Could this be here to stay for a while?

So far I have had two VERY successful visits with my amazing infertility therapist. I am recognizing my grief over the fact that our life plan is being dramatically altered...but that is exactly what it is...OUR life plan. I KNOW that life has so much to bring - more than I could even begin to fathom. I am learning to accept that our idea of how life would unfold is not going to happen. AND this does NOT mean that life is going to be terrible or awful. It doesn't mean that I am going to lose my friendships with my MANY friends who are pregnant and/or have children. It doesn't mean that we won't enjoy the next moments, hours, days, months, and years of our life. It means that God has a bigger and better plan. Some days I can accept this, and find gratitude for what is to come. God is giving me Grace and perserverance. I am learning to know my triggers for the sadness that I have and will continue to feel - to say NO to living like I am about to get pregnant. Mostly I am learning how to be happy and CONTENT again. Thank you GOD.

SO here is my NEW plan. ENJOY MY LIFE. Live every moment to the fullest. Deal with our test results in February when they come. Know that if we have to do IVF or adopt, God will provide a way. Appreciate the AMAZING support of the people around me who still love me even though my emotions are going full force like an unstoppable roller coaster. Realize that "my plans" can not be controlled or forced in one direction or the other. Pray for peace and endurance and scripture and role models to continue to support us in this journey. Take one day at a time. EXERCISE and produce LOTS of happy endorphins. Smile and support others who are going through this journey. Listen to music as loud as possible. Write songs with my husband. Do things that I have ALWAYS wanted to do with my life.

This experience has changed me. I am learning to be grateful for what I have learned on this journey.

Healing...Ahhhh....

After such an intense couple of weeks, my first therapy visit was long overdue and intense. We talked about everything you can imagine - my family, my past, chad's family, our infertility journey etc... I imagined that I would walk in, sit on the couch, and blubber like a baby. I was worried she wouldn't be able to actually understand what I was saying, because I couldn't get it together. I was wrong. This initial answer to "tell me why you are here" was a little tough...a few tears were shed, but then we just dug down. She gave me SUCH great insight about why I feel the way I feel, about how normal my feelings were, and even how we were on a good path to healing. As we were finishing up, I made a statement that went something like this - " I just don't want to be selfish or my friends to think I am selfish because I can't go baby shopping with them or talk about baby..." She paused for a moment, and asked me where I learned this concept of "selfish". She also asked me to define "selfish"...She suggested that perhaps I need to rethink this idea of selfishness that I am so stuck on...I have thought about that SO much in the last two days. I think that in the past I viewed selfish as being not available at all times to anyone who needs or wants your time or attention- no matter the inconvenience. As much as I enjoy SO MUCH helping friends and strangers in need, I realize that I am not being selfish when I have boundaries. WOW...So selfish and boundaries are very skewed to me...I am gonna chew on this for a while and get back to you....Do you ever feel this way?